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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Neighborhood Has Gotten A Lot Safer Since Mayor Vanquished Fire Troll

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying they finally felt comfortable walking around their neighborhood again, citizens of Louisville’s Parkwood district hailed Mayor Greg Fischer this week for permanently vanquishing the malevolent fire troll that had waylaid pedestrians and stolen several infants before it was slain in a decisive clash last October. “It used to be too dangerous to go out on the streets, but ever since Mayor Fischer held the amulet aloft and cast Stortbrann back to the under-realm, I feel like it’s safe to walk home from the bus stop, even at night,” local resident Cameron Watkins said of Fischer’s proactive approach, which included incanting the behemoth’s name in ancient Gutnish and wielding the hallowed Ice Hammer, the only weapon in northern Kentucky capable of piercing the beast’s onyx breastplate. “[Former mayor Jerry] Abramson never did a damn thing about the troll attacks. But by the end of his first term, Fischer personally tracked the infernal colossus to its cave and ended its reign once and for all. Now I can let my kids play outside again.” Watkins added that the neighborhood would just about be perfect if not for the swirling Wraiths of Höðr screeching in deathly terror at 6 a.m. every day.

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