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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Neighborhood Has Gotten A Lot Safer Since Mayor Vanquished Fire Troll

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying they finally felt comfortable walking around their neighborhood again, citizens of Louisville’s Parkwood district hailed Mayor Greg Fischer this week for permanently vanquishing the malevolent fire troll that had waylaid pedestrians and stolen several infants before it was slain in a decisive clash last October. “It used to be too dangerous to go out on the streets, but ever since Mayor Fischer held the amulet aloft and cast Stortbrann back to the under-realm, I feel like it’s safe to walk home from the bus stop, even at night,” local resident Cameron Watkins said of Fischer’s proactive approach, which included incanting the behemoth’s name in ancient Gutnish and wielding the hallowed Ice Hammer, the only weapon in northern Kentucky capable of piercing the beast’s onyx breastplate. “[Former mayor Jerry] Abramson never did a damn thing about the troll attacks. But by the end of his first term, Fischer personally tracked the infernal colossus to its cave and ended its reign once and for all. Now I can let my kids play outside again.” Watkins added that the neighborhood would just about be perfect if not for the swirling Wraiths of Höðr screeching in deathly terror at 6 a.m. every day.

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