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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Neighborhood Has Gotten A Lot Safer Since Mayor Vanquished Fire Troll

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying they finally felt comfortable walking around their neighborhood again, citizens of Louisville’s Parkwood district hailed Mayor Greg Fischer this week for permanently vanquishing the malevolent fire troll that had waylaid pedestrians and stolen several infants before it was slain in a decisive clash last October. “It used to be too dangerous to go out on the streets, but ever since Mayor Fischer held the amulet aloft and cast Stortbrann back to the under-realm, I feel like it’s safe to walk home from the bus stop, even at night,” local resident Cameron Watkins said of Fischer’s proactive approach, which included incanting the behemoth’s name in ancient Gutnish and wielding the hallowed Ice Hammer, the only weapon in northern Kentucky capable of piercing the beast’s onyx breastplate. “[Former mayor Jerry] Abramson never did a damn thing about the troll attacks. But by the end of his first term, Fischer personally tracked the infernal colossus to its cave and ended its reign once and for all. Now I can let my kids play outside again.” Watkins added that the neighborhood would just about be perfect if not for the swirling Wraiths of Höðr screeching in deathly terror at 6 a.m. every day.

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