After Birth

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Neighborhood Kids Grant Landmark Status To House Where Guy Killed Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Granting it the same distinction as the playground where a third-grader stepped on a huge needle and the community swimming pool where someone dove in and broke his neck, neighborhood sources confirmed Wednesday that the grade-schoolers residing in the Acorn Hills subdivision had awarded landmark status to the house on Birch Street where a guy killed himself. “He blew his head off right there on the second floor,” said 11-year-old Alex Novak, pointing toward a window of the newly designated civic monument before a crowd of peers, who had gathered outside the residence to listen to knowledgeable sources offer prepared remarks about the site and its local significance. “I heard that they couldn’t get all the brains off the walls, so they had to repaint the whole thing. The guy owed a lot of money to the mob or something.” At press time, several members of the afternoon visitor group had rung the doorbell of the newly christened landmark and torn off.

After Birth

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