Neighborhood Kind Of Hoping Panera Bread Shows Up And Plows Over Charming Local Bakery

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Neighborhood Kind Of Hoping Panera Bread Shows Up And Plows Over Charming Local Bakery

Locals would prefer Panera Bread's familiar, corporate-designed logo to "a stupid, cozy storefront built by someone's own two hands."
Locals would prefer Panera Bread's familiar, corporate-designed logo to "a stupid, cozy storefront built by someone's own two hands."

WORCESTER, MA—Residents of Worcester's Grafton Hill neighborhood acknowledged Monday they would not necessarily mind a Panera Bread franchise coming in and wiping out Callahan's, a charming, family-run bakery that has been a fixture of their community since 1964.

According to locals, the national restaurant chain would be just the thing to run the mom-and-pop establishment out of business, replacing Callahan's genuinely warm, welcoming atmosphere with the kind of impersonal, hassle-free cafŽ experience they have long desired.

"Callahan's really is lovely and all, but every time I'm in there I get roped into a 10-minute conversation about what's going on in the neighborhood, or the history of some recipe that's been in their family for generations," said patron Catherine New, 33, who told reporters the friendly older couple who owns the shop is always there, apparently working from open to close every single day. "It would be such a relief to walk in somewhere and have some disinterested college-age kid take my order without even making eye contact."

Cold, impersonal, sterile: This is what people want.

"They're nice at Callahan's, but they don't seem to get that this is only a business transaction," New continued. "I just want a cup of coffee. We're not friends."

A recent survey found that more than half of all Grafton Hill residents admitted they routinely drive to a Panera location in a neighboring town instead of simply walking down the block to Callahan's, 72 percent claimed they would prefer being alerted of their order's completion by a vibrating pager than by that one kind-faced woman who calls everyone "sweetheart," and four out of five said they "didn't give a shit" whether the ingredients in their panini were locally sourced.

Additionally, respondents unanimously agreed that, deep down, they didn't really care whether their food was prepared in a microwave or a 100-year-old brick oven so long as they could get their meal quickly, eat it in peace, and get on with their day.

"I don't want them remembering what I had yesterday—I don't want them to remember me at all," 46-year-old Colin Cady said. "Just give me the goddamn half-sandwich-and-cup-of-soup special and don't refer to it as 'the usual.' No good-natured joking around, no asking how my kids are doing, no offering me a complimentary jar of homemade fruit preserves—none of that shit."

Many customers derided the artisanal bakery's half dozen small wooden tables hand-built by the owner's father, stating they'd give anything to sit in a real fucking booth for a change, preferably as far away from other patrons as possible. Most also agreed the shop's mismatched glasses and mugs were "just plain awful," stating they would much prefer generic cardboard beverage cups with regular plastic lids so they could just grab their drink and get the fuck out of there.

"I don't want to think about how someone at Callahan's woke up at 3 a.m. to make all the pastries from scratch," said April Frye, 53, claiming the owners' heartbreakingly sincere utterances of "thank you" and "please come again" never fail to make her feel guilty. "I'd like to be able to buy a cappuccino and not have to worry about whether I'm being grateful enough for all the hard work they obvi­ously put into it. You have no idea how many unwanted loaves of bread I've bought simply because I felt compelled to support a local business."

Added Frye, "God, I hope a Panera comes in and absolutely buries that quaint little place."

While most residents echoed Frye's sentiments, not everyone in the neighborhood agreed the existing establishment could be so easily unseated by a corporate rival.

"We've been a part of the community for decades, so we're not too worried about competition," said owner Alfred Callahan, Jr., 66, explaining he was proud to have built personal relationships with his patrons over the years. "We may not be too fancy, but everything we make here is traditionally prepared, and we like to think of our customers as part of the Callahan family."

"We truly care about everyone who walks through that door," Callahan added. "That's what sets us apart."

Next Story