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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Neighborhood Would Make A Great Video Game Level

SANGER, CA—Citing the abundance of warehouses, alleys, and places to stash power-ups, area resident Joseph Anders told reporters Tuesday that his neighborhood would make a great video game level. "That house up on the hill would be awesome for the boss fight," said Anders, noting that the gymnasium of his old elementary school might make an ideal location for a save-point. "If you got a jet pack I bet you could find a better sniper rifle up on top of that water tower." Anders added that while he hasn't been down there, he wouldn't be surprised if the local sewer system made a "perfect spot" to hide the orange keycard.

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