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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Neighborhood Would Make A Great Video Game Level

SANGER, CA—Citing the abundance of warehouses, alleys, and places to stash power-ups, area resident Joseph Anders told reporters Tuesday that his neighborhood would make a great video game level. "That house up on the hill would be awesome for the boss fight," said Anders, noting that the gymnasium of his old elementary school might make an ideal location for a save-point. "If you got a jet pack I bet you could find a better sniper rifle up on top of that water tower." Anders added that while he hasn't been down there, he wouldn't be surprised if the local sewer system made a "perfect spot" to hide the orange keycard.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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