adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Neighborhood Would Make A Great Video Game Level

SANGER, CA—Citing the abundance of warehouses, alleys, and places to stash power-ups, area resident Joseph Anders told reporters Tuesday that his neighborhood would make a great video game level. "That house up on the hill would be awesome for the boss fight," said Anders, noting that the gymnasium of his old elementary school might make an ideal location for a save-point. "If you got a jet pack I bet you could find a better sniper rifle up on top of that water tower." Anders added that while he hasn't been down there, he wouldn't be surprised if the local sewer system made a "perfect spot" to hide the orange keycard.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close