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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow

EVANSTON, IL—Putting aside their own responsibilities and quickly gathering at their neighbor’s driveway, Foster Street residents reportedly came together Monday to watch a BMW owner struggle to free his car from the snow. “I threw on a coat and headed outside as soon as I saw that his car was really stuck,” said neighborhood resident David Rinaldi, who immediately stopped what he was doing to join other locals and passersby who had assembled for a better view of the frustrated driver revving the luxury vehicle’s engine and spinning the tires in vain. “His car wasn’t going anywhere, so I knew I should come out and get a good look at him barely moving back and forth as his BMW made loud screeching noises.” Rinaldi confirmed that the BMW owner had done the same for him in the past.

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