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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Neil Armstrong's Wife Glad To Finally Get Rid Of All The Space Hobby Crap

CINCINNATI—Carol Held Knight told reporters on Wednesday that, though she was still mourning her husband Neil Armstrong’s death, it was frankly a relief to finally be able to clear out all the “space hobby crap” her late husband kept lying around the house. “I loved my husband very much, but, honestly, what am I supposed to do with a pile of useless rocks, a moon man figurine of some kind, and a stack of journals he wrote about space in?” said Knight, who recalled that Armstrong once “practically threw a fit” when she tried to get rid of his little plastic space shuttles. “I’m just going put it in a box and leave it on the curb. Some kids from the neighborhood might want it, you never know.” Knight confirmed she planned on giving the spacesuit Armstrong wore on the moon to a thrift store, noting that “it doesn’t fit [her].”

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