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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Neil Armstrong's Wife Glad To Finally Get Rid Of All The Space Hobby Crap

CINCINNATI—Carol Held Knight told reporters on Wednesday that, though she was still mourning her husband Neil Armstrong’s death, it was frankly a relief to finally be able to clear out all the “space hobby crap” her late husband kept lying around the house. “I loved my husband very much, but, honestly, what am I supposed to do with a pile of useless rocks, a moon man figurine of some kind, and a stack of journals he wrote about space in?” said Knight, who recalled that Armstrong once “practically threw a fit” when she tried to get rid of his little plastic space shuttles. “I’m just going put it in a box and leave it on the curb. Some kids from the neighborhood might want it, you never know.” Knight confirmed she planned on giving the spacesuit Armstrong wore on the moon to a thrift store, noting that “it doesn’t fit [her].”

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