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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Neil Armstrong's Wife Glad To Finally Get Rid Of All The Space Hobby Crap

CINCINNATI—Carol Held Knight told reporters on Wednesday that, though she was still mourning her husband Neil Armstrong’s death, it was frankly a relief to finally be able to clear out all the “space hobby crap” her late husband kept lying around the house. “I loved my husband very much, but, honestly, what am I supposed to do with a pile of useless rocks, a moon man figurine of some kind, and a stack of journals he wrote about space in?” said Knight, who recalled that Armstrong once “practically threw a fit” when she tried to get rid of his little plastic space shuttles. “I’m just going put it in a box and leave it on the curb. Some kids from the neighborhood might want it, you never know.” Knight confirmed she planned on giving the spacesuit Armstrong wore on the moon to a thrift store, noting that “it doesn’t fit [her].”

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