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Neither Person In Conversation Knows What Hedge Fund Is

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Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

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Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

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NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.

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WASHINGTON—Repeatedly emphasizing the benefits of completing her core requirements at a fraction of the cost of a four-year school, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama continued their efforts this week to persuade their 17-year-old daughter, Malia, to attend the University of the District of Columbia Community College.
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Neither Person In Conversation Knows What Hedge Fund Is

ASHLAND, OH—Despite their in-depth, seven-minute discussion on the pros and cons of hedge funds, neither Matthew Talbert, 27, nor Louis Dahlkemper, 29, has the slightest idea what the highly exclusive, unregulated private investment pools actually are.

"Yup, hedge funds, that's where the real money is," said Dahlkemper, who is not only ignorant of financial concepts such as APR financing and the leave-a-penny, take-a-penny tray, but will also never come remotely close to achieving the minimum $1 million net worth required to invest in a hedge fund. "What with the interest rates so high, the whole housing bubble, and 401ks the way they are, you can't go wrong with one of those."

Talbert, who has accumulated nearly $30,000 in credit card debt, agreed with Dahlkemper, saying that he would most likely get a hedge fund "after [his] next paycheck matures."

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