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Neither Pickup Basketball Team Has Scored In Over 2 Hours

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Neither Pickup Basketball Team Has Scored In Over 2 Hours

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Midway through a friendly pickup basketball game at the San Luis Obispo County YMCA Thursday, players from both teams confirmed that neither side has made a single shot in well over two hours. “I think I remember the guy in the Lakers T-shirt sinking a jumper early on, but that had to have been at least a couple of hours ago,” 31-year-old Michael Torres told reporters, noting that the game has consisted of approximately 80 missed lay-ups, dozens of off-target fadeaways, and more than 150 air balls since the last basket. “I hit the rim on a three-pointer maybe 45 minutes ago, and at one point, [teammate] Adam [Burke] almost had a tip-in until it took a bad bounce off the backboard. That’s about as close as anyone’s come that I can remember, though. Man, it’s getting late.” At press time, the score of the game was still 2-0.

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