Neither Pickup Basketball Team Has Scored In Over 2 Hours

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Vol 50 Issue 32

Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs

CHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and unique character, the Chicago Cubs announced Friday that they would be removing the stadium’s iconic ivy from its urinal t...

Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting

A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting.

Tips For Being An Unarmed Black Teen

With riots raging in Ferguson, MO following the shooting death by police of an unarmed African-American youth, the nation has turned its eyes toward social injustice and the continuing crisis of race relations.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

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Neither Pickup Basketball Team Has Scored In Over 2 Hours

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Midway through a friendly pickup basketball game at the San Luis Obispo County YMCA Thursday, players from both teams confirmed that neither side has made a single shot in well over two hours. “I think I remember the guy in the Lakers T-shirt sinking a jumper early on, but that had to have been at least a couple of hours ago,” 31-year-old Michael Torres told reporters, noting that the game has consisted of approximately 80 missed lay-ups, dozens of off-target fadeaways, and more than 150 air balls since the last basket. “I hit the rim on a three-pointer maybe 45 minutes ago, and at one point, [teammate] Adam [Burke] almost had a tip-in until it took a bad bounce off the backboard. That’s about as close as anyone’s come that I can remember, though. Man, it’s getting late.” At press time, the score of the game was still 2-0.

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