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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Nelson Mandela Admits Thoughts, Prayers Of Millions Played No Part In Recovery

‘My Doctors Treated Me,’ Explains South African Icon

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Addressing supporters Monday from the hospital bed where he is being treated for a recurring lung infection, former South African president Nelson Mandela admitted that the millions of thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes he has received have played absolutely no role in his improving health, and that his recovery has been 100 percent dependent on doctors. “In these past days of struggle, I have seen messages of hope and love from citizens around the world, which, while nice, weren’t going to help remove the excess fluid from my lungs. Doctors do that,” Mandela told reporters. “The capacity of gentle souls to unite their voices in a message of peace and strength is certainly the greatest gift of mankind—I’m not denying any of that. But when you’re a 94-year-old man with a horrible lung infection, you need trained medical professionals. That’s really most important. All that prayer stuff is, frankly, pretty useless.” Mandela said that while his doctors were compassionate and thoughtful human beings of unflinching character, that’s not going to do anyone any good if they “don’t give me some codeine.”

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Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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