Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed

JOHANNESBURG—Following the death of former South African president and civil rights leader Nelson Mandela today at the age of 95, sources confirmed that the revered humanitarian has become the first politician in recorded history to actually be missed. “Today we lost not only an international hero and a symbol of the resilient human spirit, but also the very first political figure ever who people actively wish was still alive and affecting world affairs,” said political historian Wallace M. Delaney of Columbia University, adding that Mandela will long be remembered for enduring 27 years in prison in the fight against apartheid, championing equality across the globe, and standing alone as the only world leader whose passing left the international community grief-stricken and feeling a palpable void in their lives. “Certainly people have felt a sense of sorrow at the deaths of politicians in the past, but Nelson Mandela’s death is the only one on record that people everywhere unanimously agree has left the world notably worse off. I miss him, we all miss him—and that’s entirely unprecedented in the world of politics.” Delaney added that he could not predict who might be the second politician to be missed by humanity, but confirmed there were no viable candidates anywhere out there right now.

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