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Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Parole

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Nelson Mandela Celebrates 94th Birthday In Prison After Violating Parole

ROBBEN ISLAND—Following reports he crossed international borders without first calling his parole officer, former South African president Nelson Mandela celebrated his 94th birthday yesterday in a Robben Island prison cell. "It's unfortunate when this sort of thing happens, especially since Nelson's usually so good about the weekly phone calls, drug tests, and not associating with other ex-cons," said Mandela's longtime parole officer, Ted Jackson, who claimed that despite successfully holding down a job as an international dignitary for the past 22 years, the former president is still "held to the same standards as all former inmates." "He's been warned before. Hopefully, this will teach him to call me next time he plans to leave for another overseas conference on international poverty." Mandela previously violated his parole in 1993, after failing to make a court appearance while he was receiving his Nobel Peace Prize.

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