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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Nelson Mandela Evidently Thinks World’s Journalists Have Nothing Better To Do Than Wait Around Like Idiots

JOHANNESBURG—Following reports that Nelson Mandela is showing sustained improvement as he recovers from a recurring lung infection, media sources confirmed Monday that the former president of South Africa must believe the world’s reporters have nothing better to do with their time than stand around like fucking idiots waiting for him to die. “Oh, so he’s stabilized and is showing signs of improvement? Great, I’ll just be right here with my thumb up my ass,” BBC News world affairs correspondent Mike Wooldridge said of the ailing civil rights champion and anti-apartheid crusader, who apparently thinks journalists must have freed up their entire schedules to stand outside a hospital all day long. “But really, I’m glad he’s feeling better, and I sure hope he doesn’t think for a second about those of us who aren’t allowed to return home until he dies. Really, he should take his sweet time in there, and meanwhile I’ll just keep rewriting this one obituary until he’s good and ready. Fucking asshole.” Wooldridge added that if Mandela does happen to pull through, the two months he spent waiting for him to die would have been “a complete waste of time.”

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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