Nelson Mandela Evidently Thinks World’s Journalists Have Nothing Better To Do Than Wait Around Like Idiots

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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Nelson Mandela Evidently Thinks World’s Journalists Have Nothing Better To Do Than Wait Around Like Idiots

JOHANNESBURG—Following reports that Nelson Mandela is showing sustained improvement as he recovers from a recurring lung infection, media sources confirmed Monday that the former president of South Africa must believe the world’s reporters have nothing better to do with their time than stand around like fucking idiots waiting for him to die. “Oh, so he’s stabilized and is showing signs of improvement? Great, I’ll just be right here with my thumb up my ass,” BBC News world affairs correspondent Mike Wooldridge said of the ailing civil rights champion and anti-apartheid crusader, who apparently thinks journalists must have freed up their entire schedules to stand outside a hospital all day long. “But really, I’m glad he’s feeling better, and I sure hope he doesn’t think for a second about those of us who aren’t allowed to return home until he dies. Really, he should take his sweet time in there, and meanwhile I’ll just keep rewriting this one obituary until he’s good and ready. Fucking asshole.” Wooldridge added that if Mandela does happen to pull through, the two months he spent waiting for him to die would have been “a complete waste of time.”

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