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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Nemesis Lands Alumni Magazine Cover

ROCKVILLE, MD—Looking through her mail upon returning home from work Monday, Kenyon College graduate Halley Katz was reportedly repulsed and angered to discover that her cursed archrival had landed the cover of her college’s alumni magazine. “There are a number of major players in the crowdsourcing game, but I saw that no one was filling this particular niche, so I just went for it,” said the bitter adversary ’06 in an extensive interview about her new online teen-focused fundraising platform, which the villainess founded to help provide high school students with a means to realize their artistic dreams. “I’ve always loved working with underserved communities, and I could envision the immense benefits such a venture could bring to students, so I just thought, well, why can’t we take the guesswork out of this and make it kid-friendly? And it’s been a dream come true for [a detestable, antagonistic scourge like] me.” Upon further review of the magazine’s class notes sections, Katz was further dejected to learn the one she let slip away had become an executive producer at Nickelodeon.

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