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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Nemesis Lands Alumni Magazine Cover

ROCKVILLE, MD—Looking through her mail upon returning home from work Monday, Kenyon College graduate Halley Katz was reportedly repulsed and angered to discover that her cursed archrival had landed the cover of her college’s alumni magazine. “There are a number of major players in the crowdsourcing game, but I saw that no one was filling this particular niche, so I just went for it,” said the bitter adversary ’06 in an extensive interview about her new online teen-focused fundraising platform, which the villainess founded to help provide high school students with a means to realize their artistic dreams. “I’ve always loved working with underserved communities, and I could envision the immense benefits such a venture could bring to students, so I just thought, well, why can’t we take the guesswork out of this and make it kid-friendly? And it’s been a dream come true for [a detestable, antagonistic scourge like] me.” Upon further review of the magazine’s class notes sections, Katz was further dejected to learn the one she let slip away had become an executive producer at Nickelodeon.

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