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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Nemesis Lands Alumni Magazine Cover

ROCKVILLE, MD—Looking through her mail upon returning home from work Monday, Kenyon College graduate Halley Katz was reportedly repulsed and angered to discover that her cursed archrival had landed the cover of her college’s alumni magazine. “There are a number of major players in the crowdsourcing game, but I saw that no one was filling this particular niche, so I just went for it,” said the bitter adversary ’06 in an extensive interview about her new online teen-focused fundraising platform, which the villainess founded to help provide high school students with a means to realize their artistic dreams. “I’ve always loved working with underserved communities, and I could envision the immense benefits such a venture could bring to students, so I just thought, well, why can’t we take the guesswork out of this and make it kid-friendly? And it’s been a dream come true for [a detestable, antagonistic scourge like] me.” Upon further review of the magazine’s class notes sections, Katz was further dejected to learn the one she let slip away had become an executive producer at Nickelodeon.

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