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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Nemesis Lands Alumni Magazine Cover

ROCKVILLE, MD—Looking through her mail upon returning home from work Monday, Kenyon College graduate Halley Katz was reportedly repulsed and angered to discover that her cursed archrival had landed the cover of her college’s alumni magazine. “There are a number of major players in the crowdsourcing game, but I saw that no one was filling this particular niche, so I just went for it,” said the bitter adversary ’06 in an extensive interview about her new online teen-focused fundraising platform, which the villainess founded to help provide high school students with a means to realize their artistic dreams. “I’ve always loved working with underserved communities, and I could envision the immense benefits such a venture could bring to students, so I just thought, well, why can’t we take the guesswork out of this and make it kid-friendly? And it’s been a dream come true for [a detestable, antagonistic scourge like] me.” Upon further review of the magazine’s class notes sections, Katz was further dejected to learn the one she let slip away had become an executive producer at Nickelodeon.

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