adBlockCheck

Business

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nerf Develops New Line Of Biological Weapons

PAWTUCKET, RI—Nerf, the popular toy manufacturer, announced Tuesday that it was introducing a new line of foam-based biological weapons capable of causing "massive outbreaks of fun."

The product promises "hours of unexpected panic-inducing fun."

According to company officials, the Nerf biological weapons represent the next logical step in foam warfare, offering kids all the enjoyment of deploying a disease-causing agent, while still being safe for indoor play.

"Kids of all ages will have a blast striking their favorite domestic target with these new highly contagious, neon-colored pathogens," Nerf CEO James Anderson told reporters. "Whether contaminating their city's water supply, or releasing an invisible cloud of airborne foam agents, our Nerf biological weapons will result in hours of enjoyment."

Developed over the past 15 years by top toy designers in exile from Russia, the microscopic Nerf neurotoxins are sold in two sizes: Bacterial Blast and Pandemic Pump. When released upon unsuspecting populations ages 6 and up, the cushy spores harmlessly infect a host by entering the nose, lungs, and eyes, before gently ricocheting off the internal organs.

Nerf has also introduced the new Rapid-Fire Mega-Poxx-86 Inoculator, a distribution device capable of delivering 35 vials of brightly colored toy biohazards with pump-action precision.

"Get ready to feel your chest slowly fill with excitement!" said Nerf spokesperson Patricia Mora, holding up a small plastic test tube filled with 10 milligrams of her company's newest toy. "Just grab a friend, unleash a few neon microorganisms, and prepare for a squishy attack on your entire central nervous system."

According to the Nerf website, the incubation period for its latest line of playthings is 72 hours, but the excitement doesn't stop there, primarily because Nerf-infected children unknowingly transmit the highly communicable toy microbes to everyone they encounter. One vial of Nerf biotoxin, priced at $14.99, can entertain up to 20 children or one densely populated metropolitan area for up to six unforgettable days.

The Nerf bioweapons reportedly offer a variety of "completely safe" physical symptoms ranging from coughing, to temporary respiratory paralysis, to breaking out in colored polka-dot hives, to harmlessly rolling on the ground doing what company officials have termed the "crazy seizure dance."

"It was so cool," 11-year-old test user Alex Richanbach said. "First I started shaking a little, and then I got really, really hot. After that, everything went dark and dizzy, and when I woke up in the backyard, I puked up a bunch of foam balls."

Added Richanbach, "Nerf biological weapons rule!"

In time, Nerf plans to release accessories to complement the new line of bioterrorism toys, including Funmat suits, squishy canisters containing vaccines or "antifoamotics," and a large plastic tarp with Velcro straps that can turn any bedroom into a Nerf triage unit. The company will also sell the spongy pathogens in refill packs that can be used to create a never-ending biological weapons stockpile.

"Pending the success of the Nerf biological agents, we may begin work on our long-standing Nerfcular weapons program," Anderson said. "Within five years, we could be sitting on a Nerftron Bomb."

Added Anderson, "The only part of your face that will get melted off is your frown!"

At press time, company scientists were scrambling to locate more than 500 gallons of missing Nerf gas.

More from this section

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close