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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Nervous Joe Girardi Blows Interview With Yankees

TAMPA, FL—Former manager of the year Joe Girardi blamed "rustiness and an extreme case of nerves" after blowing his interview for the New York Yankees head coaching position yesterday. "It started to go bad when I forgot my resume at home, got worse when I called Steinbrenner 'Mr. Steensbaum,' and it went straight downhill from there," said a flustered Girardi, who also blanked on the names of Yankee legends Babe Ruth and Joe DiMaggio, told his potential boss that in five years he saw the Yankees being a .500 baseball team, and called Johnny Damon the next Mickey Mantle during the hour-long interview with Hank Steinbrenner and general manager Brian Cashman. "Then, in order to say something that would set me apart from other candidates, I told Mr. Steinbrenner that if I got the job I would move Mariano Rivera to the starting rotation. That didn't go over so hot." When Steinbrenner asked Girardi who he thought should be the manager of the Yankees, Girardi named Joe Torre, saying that he couldn't think of anyone else who deserves the position more, knew the team as well, or would do anywhere near as good a job.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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