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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Nervous Peyton Manning Feeling Better After Vomiting Blood Before Game

SANTA CLARA, CA—Having suffered from intense pregame nerves just 30 minutes before the kickoff of Super Bowl 50, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning confirmed Sunday that he felt much better after throwing up blood in the locker room. “I always get major butterflies right before a big game, so it’s nice to just get it out of my system,” Manning said while wiping smeared blood from around his mouth with a paper towel, having spent over 20 minutes vomiting blood into a toilet until he was left dry-heaving. “It’s good to be nervous, though. This has just become part of my routine over the last few years.” Manning added that he also likes to spend a few minutes hitting a punching bag before each game in order to pump himself up and get the feeling in his arms back.

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