Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine

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Vol 49 Issue 11

Splash

ABC 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Louie Anderson, and other celebrities compete to see which one has the most mismanaged finances.

Saturday, March 23

There’s no Bloodmobile this week. Still have some left over from last time, matter of fact.

Stupid Ponds, Faggy Rivers

National Geographic 7 p.m. EDT/6 p.m. CDT Moody teenage host Grant Brock takes you to a few aquatic locales only a gay idiot would be dumb enough to enjoy.

Nadal Hits Shot Super Low To The Net

INDIAN WELLS, CA—In an interview following his 4-6, 6-4, 7-5 victory over Ernests Gulbis at the BNP Paribas Open, Spanish tennis player Rafael Nadal recounted hitting a shot during the second set Thursday that went super low over the net.

GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH), a leading conservative who was on Mitt Romney’s shortlist for vice president, announced the reversal of his longstanding position against same-sex marriage, saying he had a change of heart after his son came out to him two y...

NASA Designers Release Flirty New Space Skirt

The word 'innovate' is said over 24 million times at SXSW, NASA designers release a flirty new spaceskirt, and the next episode of 'Girls' to feature Lena Dunham shitting herself during gyno exam while eating a burrito.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Nervous Pope Candidate Changes Wine Into Jesus Christ's Urine

VATICAN CITY—While undergoing the selection process at the ongoing papal conclave, anxious pope candidate Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi accidentally transformed the sacramental wine into Jesus Christ’s urine, the embarrassed church official confirmed Tuesday. “Shit, nobody drink that, it’s piss,” said a flustered Ravasi, moments after discovering he had transubstantiated the brimming contents of a Eucharist goblet into the Holy Messiah’s urine in front of more than 100 cardinals. “I swear, I’ve consecrated the altar wine into the blood of Christ a thousand times, but I just got so nervous with everyone watching me. Man, that smells nasty.” The bishop added that he hadn’t been this ashamed since an infamous 2003 Communion ceremony in which he distractedly converted the sacramental bread into a hardened disc of the Son of God’s fecal matter.

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