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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Nervous University Of South Florida Football Team Kind Of Hoping They Lose

TAMPA, FL—Saying that their No. 2 national ranking is "not something we really want or need at this point," nervous University of South Florida head coach Jim Leavitt told reporters at the team's afternoon practice yesterday that he "more or less was hoping" that his team would lose one or more of their next several games. "Look, our program is barely 10 years old—we're the type of team that goes out there and tries hard, maybe gets a few points on a ranked team here or there. We don't contend for national titles," said a visibly flustered Leavitt, adding that had he known beating Central Florida 64-12 last Saturday would make the Bulls the No. 2 team in the country, he would have fielded his second-string offense in the second quarter. "Leave all this 'win or go home, play for a title every year' nonsense up to the Ohio States or the LSUs. That's not our thing. Maybe a few years from now, but certainly not this year." After realizing that his team matched up quite well with the rest of USF's remaining opponents, Leavitt reportedly contacted the NCAA to discuss downplaying the difficulty of the remainder of the season.

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