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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Netflix Town Criers Announce Arrival Of ‘Mad Men’ Season 6 On Streaming

LOS GATOS, CA—Arousing the attention of townspeople with repeated peals of their handbells before pausing to recite from scrolls stowed in their red frock coats, Netflix town criers were dispatched to public squares across the land Tuesday to herald the arrival of Mad Men Season 6 on Netflix streaming, sources nationwide reported. “Here ye, good sirs and madams with active Netflix subscriptions! By proclamation of the most honorable press office of Netflix, Inc., let it be known to all persons that the sixth-most season of Emmy Award–winning AMC drama Mad Men is available to Watch Instantly forthwith,” bellowed town crier Nathaniel Hodges as he traversed the residential streets of Yardley, PA, drawing townsfolk out to their verandas to hear tell of the new addition to the company’s extensive movie and TV library. “I hereby decree that all 13 episodes of this riveting season shall be available on PCs, Macs, TVs, tablets, gaming consoles, and an expanding selection of internet-capable devices. Come one, come all to see if the goodman Don Draper returns to his philandering ways and whether Peggy will prosper in her new role at Cutler, Gleason, and Chaough!” At press time, village sources reported that the crier had posted notice of the latest Netflix offerings on the door of the local pub and set forth across the Delaware River to bring the hopeful tidings to the good subscribers of West Trenton, NJ.

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