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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Netflix Town Criers Announce Arrival Of ‘Mad Men’ Season 6 On Streaming

LOS GATOS, CA—Arousing the attention of townspeople with repeated peals of their handbells before pausing to recite from scrolls stowed in their red frock coats, Netflix town criers were dispatched to public squares across the land Tuesday to herald the arrival of Mad Men Season 6 on Netflix streaming, sources nationwide reported. “Here ye, good sirs and madams with active Netflix subscriptions! By proclamation of the most honorable press office of Netflix, Inc., let it be known to all persons that the sixth-most season of Emmy Award–winning AMC drama Mad Men is available to Watch Instantly forthwith,” bellowed town crier Nathaniel Hodges as he traversed the residential streets of Yardley, PA, drawing townsfolk out to their verandas to hear tell of the new addition to the company’s extensive movie and TV library. “I hereby decree that all 13 episodes of this riveting season shall be available on PCs, Macs, TVs, tablets, gaming consoles, and an expanding selection of internet-capable devices. Come one, come all to see if the goodman Don Draper returns to his philandering ways and whether Peggy will prosper in her new role at Cutler, Gleason, and Chaough!” At press time, village sources reported that the crier had posted notice of the latest Netflix offerings on the door of the local pub and set forth across the Delaware River to bring the hopeful tidings to the good subscribers of West Trenton, NJ.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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