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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Netherlands Taught How To Play Softball Seconds Before Being Shoved Onto Field Against U.S. Team

BEIJING—International Softball Federation officials met with the Netherlands softball team to explain the rules of the sport and provide helpful pointers mere seconds before their preliminary match against the United States on Sunday. "Now this long metal rod is called a 'bat'—that's what you use to hit the ball," ISF president Don Porter explained in the Dutch locker room as the players smeared eye black on their faces and palms and attempted to wear their batting helmets backwards as game time neared. An increasingly rushed Porter added, "Remember to always throw the ball underhand as hard as you can so that they can't hit it, and catch the ball before it hits the ground. Oh, and if you're batting and the ball is hit in the air, don't run to the next base until someone catches it, and if the bases are loaded and the batter hits a pop-up, she's automatically out if there are less than two outs, and keep your hands inside the ball when you swing to spray it to the other field. All right, now get out there! Hurry! Go, go, go!"The confused Netherlands team was eventually disqualified for attempting to play field hockey.

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