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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Netherlands Taught How To Play Softball Seconds Before Being Shoved Onto Field Against U.S. Team

BEIJING—International Softball Federation officials met with the Netherlands softball team to explain the rules of the sport and provide helpful pointers mere seconds before their preliminary match against the United States on Sunday. "Now this long metal rod is called a 'bat'—that's what you use to hit the ball," ISF president Don Porter explained in the Dutch locker room as the players smeared eye black on their faces and palms and attempted to wear their batting helmets backwards as game time neared. An increasingly rushed Porter added, "Remember to always throw the ball underhand as hard as you can so that they can't hit it, and catch the ball before it hits the ground. Oh, and if you're batting and the ball is hit in the air, don't run to the next base until someone catches it, and if the bases are loaded and the batter hits a pop-up, she's automatically out if there are less than two outs, and keep your hands inside the ball when you swing to spray it to the other field. All right, now get out there! Hurry! Go, go, go!"The confused Netherlands team was eventually disqualified for attempting to play field hockey.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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