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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Nets Ask Deron Williams To Close Mouth While Dribbling

BROOKLYN, NY—Calling it a “disgusting habit,” teammates and coaches finally asked Nets point guard Deron Williams to stop dribbling the ball with his mouth wide open, team sources confirmed Friday. “It’s bad enough when he does it at home, but when we’re all playing in somebody else’s arena, it embarrasses us in front of the other team,” said Nets forward Gerald Wallace, adding that on several occasions he’s caught Williams drooling all over the ball while leading a fast break. “Not only is it gross, it’s just rude. We’re all trying to play basketball here. We don’t need to see that. Did his mother or high school coaches not teach him anything?” While on the subject, several members of the organization also called attention to how many visiting teams as well as members of the media are beginning to notice that Brook Lopez never showers.

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