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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Networks Urge Scientists To Release Latest Breast-Cancer Findings During Sweeps Week

NEW YORK—A coalition of network-news executives made an appeal to breast-cancer researchers Monday, urging them to release any new findings about the disease in time for May sweeps.

Peter Jennings during a 1997 breast-cancer report.

"It is imperative that we have the latest information about the war against breast cancer," ABC News executive Andrew Diehl said. "Without it, we will be unable to educate the American people, or show ratings-grabbing stock footage of women in backless hospital gowns getting mammograms."

Magazine editors are supporting the appeal, as well.

"Our recent breast-cancer cover story—which featured a picture of a woman's naked torso with a hand cupping the breast–was our biggest seller this year," Time managing editor Fred Case said. "Time is fully committed to providing top-notch, full-color coverage of this dread disease."

The network executives also urged scientists to step up research on possible new forms of cancer, including inner-thigh cancer and ass cancer.

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