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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Networks Urge Scientists To Release Latest Breast-Cancer Findings During Sweeps Week

NEW YORK—A coalition of network-news executives made an appeal to breast-cancer researchers Monday, urging them to release any new findings about the disease in time for May sweeps.

Peter Jennings during a 1997 breast-cancer report.

"It is imperative that we have the latest information about the war against breast cancer," ABC News executive Andrew Diehl said. "Without it, we will be unable to educate the American people, or show ratings-grabbing stock footage of women in backless hospital gowns getting mammograms."

Magazine editors are supporting the appeal, as well.

"Our recent breast-cancer cover story—which featured a picture of a woman's naked torso with a hand cupping the breast–was our biggest seller this year," Time managing editor Fred Case said. "Time is fully committed to providing top-notch, full-color coverage of this dread disease."

The network executives also urged scientists to step up research on possible new forms of cancer, including inner-thigh cancer and ass cancer.

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