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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Networks Urge Scientists To Release Latest Breast-Cancer Findings During Sweeps Week

NEW YORK—A coalition of network-news executives made an appeal to breast-cancer researchers Monday, urging them to release any new findings about the disease in time for May sweeps.

Peter Jennings during a 1997 breast-cancer report.

"It is imperative that we have the latest information about the war against breast cancer," ABC News executive Andrew Diehl said. "Without it, we will be unable to educate the American people, or show ratings-grabbing stock footage of women in backless hospital gowns getting mammograms."

Magazine editors are supporting the appeal, as well.

"Our recent breast-cancer cover story—which featured a picture of a woman's naked torso with a hand cupping the breast–was our biggest seller this year," Time managing editor Fred Case said. "Time is fully committed to providing top-notch, full-color coverage of this dread disease."

The network executives also urged scientists to step up research on possible new forms of cancer, including inner-thigh cancer and ass cancer.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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