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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Neurologists Implore Professional Athletes To Wait Until They Are Dead To Send In Brains For Research

ST. PAUL—The American Academy of Neurology issued a statement this week urging professional athletes with suspected concussions to wait until they are deceased before sending in their brains for research. "We already have numerous brains to study, so please stop prying open your skulls with chisels and crowbars and scooping your brain matter into a mailing envelopes," said AAN president Bruce Sigsbee MD, adding that neurologists have also received the decapitated heads of 200 professional athletes who could not figure out how to remove their brains from their skulls. "However, if athletes do feel compelled to ship us their brains before their death, we recommend they not bash in their heads with a large rock to retrieve it, as it may damage the neural tissue and prevent proper diagnosis." Sources at the U.S. postal service confirmed that they have already discovered over 200 professional athletes with their heads stuck in mailboxes after attempting to mail themselves.

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