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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Neurologists Implore Professional Athletes To Wait Until They Are Dead To Send In Brains For Research

ST. PAUL—The American Academy of Neurology issued a statement this week urging professional athletes with suspected concussions to wait until they are deceased before sending in their brains for research. "We already have numerous brains to study, so please stop prying open your skulls with chisels and crowbars and scooping your brain matter into a mailing envelopes," said AAN president Bruce Sigsbee MD, adding that neurologists have also received the decapitated heads of 200 professional athletes who could not figure out how to remove their brains from their skulls. "However, if athletes do feel compelled to ship us their brains before their death, we recommend they not bash in their heads with a large rock to retrieve it, as it may damage the neural tissue and prevent proper diagnosis." Sources at the U.S. postal service confirmed that they have already discovered over 200 professional athletes with their heads stuck in mailboxes after attempting to mail themselves.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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