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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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New 49ers GM Asks If Team Can Use Draft Picks For Something Other Than Football Players

SAN FRANCISCO—San Francisco's newly minted general manager, former scout Trent Baalke, asked the NFL head office for clarification on a point of order Monday over whether the team is required to exchange its draft picks for a football player. "Our roster has plenty of guys on it, so I believe the franchise should look to address other needs through the draft, like for instance we don't have a trampoline or a pontoon boat," said Baalke, who said he would consider trading the seventh pick in the first round to any team who could offer him a set of beanbag chairs. "If we have to get an athlete, I'm thinking maybe a power forward. We don't have one of those right now." NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is expected to deny the request, saying the last time he allowed San Francisco to use a draft pick for non-football player purposes they wasted them on Utah's Alex Smith.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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