New $5.1 Billion Surveillance Satellite To Provide 24-Hour Data On Lee Horsley

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Vol 31 Issue 06

Sex Officials Add New Base Between Second And Third

WASHINGTON, DC—Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S. Sex Department's announcement Monday that a new base will soon be added. According to Sex Department spokesperson Pat Phelps, the added base will immediately follow second, the touching of breasts, and precede third, the touching of genitals. The new base will involve "the sliding of the hand between the butt cheeks." Sex officials stressed that the base would only be considered reached if the plane of the outer buttocks is broken by the edge of the hand. Baltimore resident Todd Kerr, 15, reported reaching the new base Tuesday with Suzy Hebert, 14, but U.S. sex officials are disputing the claim, asking Kerr to "prove it."

Out-Of-State License Plate Seen

SEYMOUR, IN—In a rare instance of roadway variety, a license plate from a far-away state was spotted on Maple Lane Tuesday. The exact state from which the vehicle originated was not known, as it was too far away for witnesses to make out the license's fine print. "I think it might have been from New York, because I think I saw that picture of the Statue of Liberty in the middle," said Milton Herkimer, who lives at 45 Maple Lane. "But maybe it was a pelican." Neighbor MarySue Petersen said she "thought it said 'California' across the top," but acknowledged that "I didn't have my reading glasses on at the time." Despite widely varying descriptions of the license plate, all agreed that it was "not from Indiana."

IRS Now Requiring Taxpayers To Tip

WASHINGTON, DC—Internal Revenue Service officials pushed legislation through Congress Monday requiring all taxpayers to add a gratuity of "no less than 12 percent" to 1997 income-tax payments. "We work hard," IRS director Hiram Stockton said, "and, apparently, many taxpayers don't realize that IRS agents rely on tips to make ends meet." The new era of mandatory tipping is expected to be a boon for IRS agents, many of whom say they could not subsist on the voluntary, often-meager tips of the past. "We process forms in a timely fashion, send out refunds promptly, and always stop by each taxpayer's home to ask, 'Is everything all right here? Can I get you anything else?' as often as we can during the tax-filing season," IRS processing agent XJRC-1582H-GY3-5 said. Families with eight or more dependents will have a 20 percent gratuity automatically added to their tax bill. Failure to tip will result in a $50,000 fine and/or up to 15 years in federal prison.

Former Presidents Convene For Liver Spot Summit

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Liver spots topped the agenda this weekend at a summit held by the four living former U.S. presidents. Meeting at Gerald Ford's Southern California ranch, the presidents discussed numerous liver-spot-related issues. Jimmy Carter reported having them on his arms. "I have them all over my face," Gerald Ford said. "I also have them on my chest." Secret Service agents were dispatched several times in Air Force Two to procure special, security-cleared vials of Pond's Medicated Cream for the talks. Also on the summit agenda: wheezing, moving from a seated to standing position, and arm fat. Secret Service costs for protecting the four living ex-presidents amounted to $27 billion for the three-day summit.

The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a license to thrill was taking too many risks for her husband's liking. So, he packed the china, and it was adios! Can you believe some guy would walk out on America's sexiest CIA agent? Somebody ought to check his pulse! Anyway, if you're reading this column, Ann, I'm still free this Saturday night!

That Wisecracking Duck Is A Pest

Last week, I became highly displeased with my nurse's inability to read to me. She speaks as though her mouth is full of porridge, and it is agony watching her great, fat lips make mush of the effervescent prose of Horatio Alger.

Hi, I Have Cancer

Hi there! What'cha up to? Just hanging out? Me, too. My name's Jerry. I have cancer.

Air Force Follies

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were two incidents in New Jersey last week, in which F-16 jets chased commercial airliners out of their flight patterns. What do you think?
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

New $5.1 Billion Surveillance Satellite To Provide 24-Hour Data On Lee Horsley

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what is considered the most ambitious mid-'80s TV star-monitoring program in its history, NASA on Monday unveiled the HORSTAT-II satellite, a $5.1 billion Lee Horsley-surveillance system.

Diagram of HORSTAT-II orbiter, which will monitor changes in TV's Matt Houston.

Scheduled to be launched Saturday, the HORSTAT-II promises up-to-the-minute statistical data on the whereabouts and activities of the handsome, mustachioed star of Matt Houston.

From its Horslosynchronous orbit 800 kilometers above the earth's surface, HORSTAT-II will use its array of microsensors to gather and analyze Horsley-related data, which will be relayed to NASA bases at Cape Canaveral and NORAD.

"HORSTAT-II's state-of-the-art imaging technology will allow it to isolate Mr. Horsley out of a crowd of thousands," said NASA team leader Dr. Martin Heller. "It is specially programmed to home in on the unique particle wavelength, temperature and electromagnetic signature emanating from the actor's Horslosphere."

"Our infrared imaging system will be able to pinpoint Horsley's location even when he's relaxing in an exclusive Southern California spa," Heller said. "In addition, HORSTAT-II's spectrohorsal scanning equipment will monitor Horsley's surface temperature so closely, we'll be able to tell if he's developing a sunburn before he even feels the symptoms."

An infrared satellite image of rugged <I>Matt Houston</I> star Lee Horsley.

"This is a great breakthrough for science and for NASA," President Clinton said Tuesday during a White House speech. "Our network of FBI agents and spies are no longer all we have to rely on in our fervent quest for up-to-the-minute information about the man who from 1982 to 1985 was America's third-favorite TV detective."

Pamela Hensley, who co-starred on Matt Houston as the buxom, brassy C.J. Parsons, was equally enthusiastic about the new satellite. "This should forever change the way America looks at the best co-star I ever had, Lee Horsley."

Within months, internet users will have access to the satellite's data at www.nasa.com//leehorsley, which will provide updates on HORSTAT-II's findings every 15 minutes.

"I'm excited," said Bob Washburn of Mechanicsburg, PA. "Someday, I'm sure, my children will be shocked to learn there was a time when you had to wait for the morning paper to find out what Lee Horsley had been doing throughout the night. Soon, real-time info will be at our fingertips."

HORSTAT-II is widely considered the most advanced star-tracking system ever, even more powerful than the $4.4 billion UGLAB-IV satellite which monitored and collected data on actress Leslie Uggams for more than 10 years before crashing into the Indian Ocean in 1983.

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