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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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New Affordable Daycare Sort Of Keeps An Eye On Your Kids

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—In an effort to provide vital assistance to lower-income families with working parents, a new, inexpensive daycare center will kind of keep an eye on your kids, sources confirmed Friday. “Parents can rest assured that children at Dandelion Daycare Center will be under at least a degree of adult supervision for much of the day,” said owner Miriam Greene, adding that the affordable nursery school was staffed by fairly qualified workers who will make a good faith effort to linger in the vicinity of the classroom. “We provide lunch most days, typically between noon and four, but your child should be able to clearly state any food allergies they might have, because there’s no way we can keep track of all that. We’ve also got some fun toys for playtime, though we can’t guarantee a staff member will be present in the event your child chokes on a playing piece or that our employee will know what to do even if they happen to be there. But like we always say: At Dandelion Daycare, your kids are probably going to be fine.” Greene later clarified that parents picking up their children might occasionally find them completely unattended if the worker supervising them had to cut out 20 minutes early to get to their second job.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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