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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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New Affordable Daycare Sort Of Keeps An Eye On Your Kids

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—In an effort to provide vital assistance to lower-income families with working parents, a new, inexpensive daycare center will kind of keep an eye on your kids, sources confirmed Friday. “Parents can rest assured that children at Dandelion Daycare Center will be under at least a degree of adult supervision for much of the day,” said owner Miriam Greene, adding that the affordable nursery school was staffed by fairly qualified workers who will make a good faith effort to linger in the vicinity of the classroom. “We provide lunch most days, typically between noon and four, but your child should be able to clearly state any food allergies they might have, because there’s no way we can keep track of all that. We’ve also got some fun toys for playtime, though we can’t guarantee a staff member will be present in the event your child chokes on a playing piece or that our employee will know what to do even if they happen to be there. But like we always say: At Dandelion Daycare, your kids are probably going to be fine.” Greene later clarified that parents picking up their children might occasionally find them completely unattended if the worker supervising them had to cut out 20 minutes early to get to their second job.

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