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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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New Anti-Drug Program Teaches Teens To Resist Psychiatrist’s Constant Pressure To Use Drugs

ALEXANDRIA, VA—As part of an effort to provide young people with the tools necessary to make responsible decisions, a coalition of the nation’s leading anti-drug activists launched a new initiative Tuesday with the goal of teaching teenagers to resist pressure from psychiatrists to use drugs. “A lot of teens just don’t know how to say no when drugs are constantly pushed on them by mental health professionals, and we aim to remedy that,” campaign director Karen Thorpe said of the initiative, which will implement programs at high schools and middle schools nationwide in which 13-to-18-year-olds can discuss times they have felt coerced into trying controlled substances during therapy sessions, and will provide them with methods to avoid the influence and persuasive tactics of drug-pushing psychiatrists. “These kids see their friends and classmates using drugs in middle school, or even elementary school, and they start to think it’s normal. We have to break that cycle. These kids need to know that just because the person pressuring them to use drugs is older than they are and uses forceful language, that does not mean using drugs is a good idea.” While Thorpe said the program is a great start, she noted that the systemic problem couldn’t be fully addressed until the government shows the will to take on the handful of large, powerful groups that are behind the drugs’ production and distribution.


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