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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Anti-Drug Program Teaches Teens To Resist Psychiatrist’s Constant Pressure To Use Drugs

ALEXANDRIA, VA—As part of an effort to provide young people with the tools necessary to make responsible decisions, a coalition of the nation’s leading anti-drug activists launched a new initiative Tuesday with the goal of teaching teenagers to resist pressure from psychiatrists to use drugs. “A lot of teens just don’t know how to say no when drugs are constantly pushed on them by mental health professionals, and we aim to remedy that,” campaign director Karen Thorpe said of the initiative, which will implement programs at high schools and middle schools nationwide in which 13-to-18-year-olds can discuss times they have felt coerced into trying controlled substances during therapy sessions, and will provide them with methods to avoid the influence and persuasive tactics of drug-pushing psychiatrists. “These kids see their friends and classmates using drugs in middle school, or even elementary school, and they start to think it’s normal. We have to break that cycle. These kids need to know that just because the person pressuring them to use drugs is older than they are and uses forceful language, that does not mean using drugs is a good idea.” While Thorpe said the program is a great start, she noted that the systemic problem couldn’t be fully addressed until the government shows the will to take on the handful of large, powerful groups that are behind the drugs’ production and distribution.


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