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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Apple Campaign Urges Consumers To Buy iPhone For Other Hand

Year In Review

CUPERTINO, CA—As part of an effort to boost smartphone sales following lower-than-expected third-quarter earnings, Apple announced today a new national advertising campaign urging users to buy a second iPhone for their other hand. "Imagine having Safari, FaceTime, and Siri in both of your hands at the same time," Apple CEO Tim Cook said in a press release for the new campaign, which will debut Friday night during the Olympic opening ceremonies with the slogan "Need an extra hand with that?" "On the one hand—quite literally—you're texting a friend, and on the other, you're hitting up Siri for the nearest pizza joint. With that second phone, iPhone users will truly have the power of the Internet at their fingertips—all 10 of them. This is the wave of the future right here." At press time, Apple reported that iPhone sales for the day had passed the 600,000-order mark.

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