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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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New Apple Campaign Urges Consumers To Buy iPhone For Other Hand

Year In Review

CUPERTINO, CA—As part of an effort to boost smartphone sales following lower-than-expected third-quarter earnings, Apple announced today a new national advertising campaign urging users to buy a second iPhone for their other hand. "Imagine having Safari, FaceTime, and Siri in both of your hands at the same time," Apple CEO Tim Cook said in a press release for the new campaign, which will debut Friday night during the Olympic opening ceremonies with the slogan "Need an extra hand with that?" "On the one hand—quite literally—you're texting a friend, and on the other, you're hitting up Siri for the nearest pizza joint. With that second phone, iPhone users will truly have the power of the Internet at their fingertips—all 10 of them. This is the wave of the future right here." At press time, Apple reported that iPhone sales for the day had passed the 600,000-order mark.

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