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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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New Archaeological Find Suggests Mary Magdalene Was Actually A Size 12

NAZARETH, ISRAEL—Archaeologists excavating the ruins of an early-first-century dwelling this week announced the discovery of the remnants of a tunic thought to have belonged to Mary Magdalene, a garment that suggests the biblical figure was a larger-than-expected size 12. “While scholarly interpretations of the Apocrypha have long held that Mary Magdalene was a size six or size eight, this new evidence indicates that the most celebrated female follower of Jesus was, in fact, a bit curvier,” said Amos Rafaelli, an archaeologist at Haifa University, who added that a worldwide meeting of biblical scholars would convene in Rome next month to discuss Mary Magdalene’s figure, her sense of style, and how she may have worn her hair. “Additionally, further analysis of the garment suggests that she wore unflattering cuts that didn’t work for her at all, and bland, neutral colors that definitely didn’t pop. This truly changes our entire perspective on Mary Magdalene.” Rafaelli added that more research would be needed to determine if the braided rope belt and sandals found within proximity of the garment would have pulled her outfit together or made her look super trashy.

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