New Archaeological Find Suggests Mary Magdalene Was Actually A Size 12

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Archaeological Find Suggests Mary Magdalene Was Actually A Size 12

NAZARETH, ISRAEL—Archaeologists excavating the ruins of an early-first-century dwelling this week announced the discovery of the remnants of a tunic thought to have belonged to Mary Magdalene, a garment that suggests the biblical figure was a larger-than-expected size 12. “While scholarly interpretations of the Apocrypha have long held that Mary Magdalene was a size six or size eight, this new evidence indicates that the most celebrated female follower of Jesus was, in fact, a bit curvier,” said Amos Rafaelli, an archaeologist at Haifa University, who added that a worldwide meeting of biblical scholars would convene in Rome next month to discuss Mary Magdalene’s figure, her sense of style, and how she may have worn her hair. “Additionally, further analysis of the garment suggests that she wore unflattering cuts that didn’t work for her at all, and bland, neutral colors that definitely didn’t pop. This truly changes our entire perspective on Mary Magdalene.” Rafaelli added that more research would be needed to determine if the braided rope belt and sandals found within proximity of the garment would have pulled her outfit together or made her look super trashy.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close