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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New Atlanta Braves Logo Features Gruesome Depiction Of Trail Of Tears

ATLANTA—Braves general manager Frank Wren announced Wednesday that the team’s new logo would feature a grim depiction of the numerous atrocities suffered by Native Americans on the Trail of Tears. “Since many felt that the screaming brave logo was offensive and insensitive, we decided that the Atlanta Braves’ emblem should encapsulate the brutal forced relocation of Native Americans,” said Wren, adding that the new symbol would feature a bleak illustration of starving members of the Cherokee nation succumbing to exposure and disease. “The young Cherokee girl dying from pneumonia at the center of the logo really captures the cruelty of forcibly removing Native Americans from their homelands to make room for white settlements. However, we feel that all 4,000 of the dead Native Americans in the design were rendered wonderfully.” In related news, the Cleveland Indians announced plans to honor the plight and discrimination of Native Americans by continuing to use the same logo.

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