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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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New Atlanta Braves Logo Features Gruesome Depiction Of Trail Of Tears

ATLANTA—Braves general manager Frank Wren announced Wednesday that the team’s new logo would feature a grim depiction of the numerous atrocities suffered by Native Americans on the Trail of Tears. “Since many felt that the screaming brave logo was offensive and insensitive, we decided that the Atlanta Braves’ emblem should encapsulate the brutal forced relocation of Native Americans,” said Wren, adding that the new symbol would feature a bleak illustration of starving members of the Cherokee nation succumbing to exposure and disease. “The young Cherokee girl dying from pneumonia at the center of the logo really captures the cruelty of forcibly removing Native Americans from their homelands to make room for white settlements. However, we feel that all 4,000 of the dead Native Americans in the design were rendered wonderfully.” In related news, the Cleveland Indians announced plans to honor the plight and discrimination of Native Americans by continuing to use the same logo.

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