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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

New Attractive Person Comes To Nation’s Attention

Entertainment insiders say the new attractive person is very attractive and also new.
Entertainment insiders say the new attractive person is very attractive and also new.

LOS ANGELES—With well-groomed hair, symmetrical facial features, and appealing anatomical proportions, a new attractive person captured the nation’s interest this week, joining the ranks of all others who are considered extremely good-looking and deserving of widespread attention.

Reports indicate that the ideal specimen, who was first seen on a reality television program earlier this year, has already been featured in dozens of magazines and newspapers and across multiple social media platforms, where topics such as the attractive person’s visits to restaurants and nightclubs, workout regimen, sense of style, and apparent lack of body fat have been discussed at length.

“I’m very excited to start paying attention to this new attractive person,” said Houston, TX resident Evan McClarain, who recently began following the attractive person on Twitter. “There are certainly a lot of other attractive people out there, but this person is new and has a pleasing physical appearance, and I like thinking about them.”

“I can’t wait to see them in more places,” he added. “On TV, on the internet, in advertisements, and maybe later on in movies, too. ”

According to sources, there has been an increasing amount of buzz around the attractive person, who, because of their similar looks and personality, has been compared to an entirely different attractive person. While some have declared themselves on Team New Attractive Person, many loyalists still consider themselves part of Team Other Attractive Person, who they claim is “much more attractive.”

Nonetheless, Americans across the country confirmed that they enjoyed discussing among friends which attractive person of the opposite gender this new attractive person might look attractive with.

While the attractive person’s future career plans are reportedly not determined at this time, many have expressed interest in learning what they are.

“When describing people in real life who I think are attractive, I may use this attractive person’s name as a comparison,” said Petaluma, CA convenience store clerk Jen Rinaldi, who added that she plans to purchase a product that the new attractive person also owns or endorses. “Until now, I’ve been using another attractive person’s name for this purpose, and while they’re still attractive, generally speaking, I do not perceive them as being ‘new’ and therefore they are not as inherently interesting to me at this particular point in time.”

“Besides, I heard the new attractive person is also a recording an album,” Rinaldi added, referencing an Instagram photo that circulated this week showing the attractive person posing in the studio with a popular musician, also attractive. “I hope it gets released soon. I’m going to buy it and then go see them in concert when they come to my city.”

According to a recent poll conducted by US Weekly, 57 percent of people “love” the new attractive person, while 37 percent said they “hate” the new attractive person. Furthermore, 33 percent agreed the new attractive person had “good teeth,” 48 percent agreed they had “good skin,” and 64 percent agreed they “look good with or without glasses.”

In a side-by-side comparison between the new attractive person and another attractive person, 72 percent said the new attractive person wore their clothes better, while 28 percent said the other attractive person wore their clothes better.

“I don’t want to get my hopes up, but maybe someone will secretly take photos of the attractive person on the beach and post them online,” said Boston, MA consultant Dan Eaglemeyer. “I am often aroused when I see them on TV, but I imagine I will be more aroused when I see them in a bathing suit.”

“To put it bluntly, I could see myself fantasizing about having sex with this person,” Eaglemeyer added.

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