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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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New Bin Laden Tape Contains Three Previously Unreleased Monologues

ATLANTA— A new Osama bin Laden videotape acquired by CNN from Al-Jazeera features
three previously unreleased anti-U.S. rants and harangues by the terrorist leader, excited
network sources said Monday. "One piece goes on for 45 minutes and is entirely about
the need to bring down the Great Satan," CNN spokesman Gil Eckert said. "In
another, shorter piece, he's sitting in a dank cave, cryptically telling some guy off
camera about the 'great victory' Allah will enjoy in the very near future." The
eagerly anticipated tape, the first new material from bin Laden in more than two months,
hits video stores Tuesday.

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