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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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New Biography Reveals Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word

PRINCETON, NJ—A new biography by science historian Tanya Medel has rocked the physics world with the revelation that theoretical physicist Albert Einstein wasn't smart enough to invent Microsoft Word and use it to devise his theory of relativity. "The name Einstein has become synonymous with intelligence, but as I researched my book, it became clear he was incapable of devising a simple word-processing program with which to type up his findings," Medel said Thursday of the physicist whose work revolutionized science and fundamentally changed the way people think about space and time. "He had to scrawl everything out by hand, like some dumbo. It's a wonder people could even make heads or tails out of it without simple bullet points and auto-numbering." Medel also revealed that the famous photo of Einstein with his tongue sticking out was not a pose made for the sake of humor, but was instead the way he looked all the time because he was just that stupid.

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