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New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory

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Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far

The road to the 2016 election has seen its fair share of blunders, miscalculations, and poorly worded statements, all captured by an eager news media that’s always on the lookout for political missteps. Here are some of the biggest campaign gaffes of this election cycle so far:

How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Iowan Comforts Sobbing Jeb Bush At Town Hall

DES MOINES, IA—Slowly approaching the distraught, trembling presidential candidate before embracing him in a gentle hug, 42-year-old single mother Holly Sullivan comforted a sobbing Jeb Bush during a town hall forum, sources confirmed Friday.

Dazed Marco Rubio Wakes Up In Koch Compound To Find Cold Metal Device Installed Behind Ear

‘Hello Marco, We Will Now Begin The Program,’ Says Soothing Voice

UNKNOWN LOCATION—The brightly lit, stark-white room gradually coming into focus as he regained consciousness, GOP presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly awoke in the Koch brothers’ secret compound Thursday and reached suddenly to his throbbing head to discover a cold metal device implanted behind his left ear.

Hillary Clinton Relaxing Before Debate With Few Hours Of Debate Practice

GOFFSTOWN, NH—Describing it as a much-needed escape from the hype and pressure surrounding the event, aides from Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign confirmed that the candidate has been taking it easy and kicking back ahead of Saturday’s Democratic debate with a few hours of intensive debate practice.

Terrified Jeb Bush Beginning To Fade From Visible Spectrum

LAS VEGAS—His voice slowing during his response to a question about immigration as he struggled to comprehend what was happening to him, a visibly terrified Jeb Bush reportedly began to vanish from the visible spectrum while on stage at Tuesday night’s Republican debate.

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

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The Pros And Cons Of Political Correctness

A key issue currently driving a wedge between political parties in the U.S. is the question of so-called political correctness, or the avoidance of language and actions that could be construed as exclusive, oppressive, or marginalizing of minority groups. Here are the pros and cons of political correctness in our national discourse:

Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate

MILWAUKEE—Interrupted midway through answering a question about how he would reform the nation’s tax code, Republican presidential candidate Rand Paul was reportedly escorted off stage roughly an hour into Tuesday’s GOP primary debate after falling below the minimum 2.5 percent polling threshold necessary for participating in the forum.

Fact-Checking Ben Carson’s Claims

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Republicans’ Demands For Upcoming Debates

Following last week’s contentious debate in Colorado, Republican presidential candidates are formulating demands for future debates in the effort to reduce perceived media bias and foster a more productive, policy-focused discussion. Here are the GOP’s demands for upcoming debates

Top Issues For Voters In The 2016 Election

With the presidential race well underway and the pool of candidates narrowing, Americans will soon have to choose their next leader based on how well they speak to the issues. Here are the top issues that matter for voters in the 2016 election

Winners And Losers Of Last Night’s Debate

The top 10 leading GOP presidential candidates met in Boulder, CO for their third debate last night, hosted by CNBC and featuring a number of contentious moments concerning alleged liberal media bias, frontrunners’ contradictory statements, and more. The Onion breaks down who won and who lost the debate

Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts

SAN ANTONIO—Calling the disturbing incidents a persistent source of anguish, GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson told reporters at a Monday campaign stop that he has been tormented by periodic rational thoughts for the past several years.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

Unemployed Single Mother In Rubio Speech Told Candidate About Her Problems In Confidence

CEDAR FALLS, IA—Describing her shock and embarrassment upon learning that her personal struggles were shared with an entire campaign rally audience, 37-year-old Allison Kilpatrick, an unemployed single mother that Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio mentioned in a recent stump speech, informed reporters Thursday that she told the candidate about her problems in confidence.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Voters Look On In Horror As 3 New Republican Candidates Appear In Place Of Scott Walker

MADISON, WI—Overcome by a profound feeling of dread and helplessness as the GOP field multiplied before their eyes, voters at Scott Walker’s press conference yesterday, in which the Wisconsin governor announced he was exiting the presidential race, reportedly looked on in horror as three new Republican contenders appeared on stage in place of the former candidate.

Top Snake Handler Leaves Sinking Huckabee Campaign

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Dealing yet another blow to the former Arkansas governor’s presidential hopes, Dalton Hobbs, one of Mike Huckabee’s top snake handlers, has decided to leave the sinking campaign, sources reported Thursday.

Aides Rush On Stage To Rotate Scott Walker Back To Direction Of Audience

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Upon noticing that the Wisconsin governor had become disoriented during one of the moderator’s questions and begun delivering his response while facing the set’s backdrop, several of his aides rushed on stage during Wednesday’s GOP primary debate to rotate Scott Walker back in the direction of the audience.

GOP Debate Stage Manager Pulls Ladies’ Podium Out Of Storage For Carly Fiorina

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Having rummaged through a cluttered backstage closet for nearly half an hour in an effort to locate its elegantly curved lavender form, stage manager Paul Guzman is said to have finally pulled the GOP’s official ladies’ podium out of storage for Carly Fiorina ahead of Wednesday night’s Republican primary debate.

Who Is Kim Davis?

Rowan County, KY clerk Kim Davis returned to work Monday after being jailed for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds. Here’s what you need to know about the defiant public servant:

Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School

‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents

WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school.

Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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New Bipartisan Law Would Make Dog Neckerchiefs Mandatory

Lawmakers are calling the dog-neckerchief bill "long overdue."
Lawmakers are calling the dog-neckerchief bill "long overdue."

WASHINGTON—Cutting short its Columbus Day recess, Congress held a special emergency session this weekend to push through comprehensive legislation requiring every dog in the United States to wear a neckerchief, with both parties hailing the outcome as a "major step forward for the nation" and "downright adorable."

Spurred by recent statistics indicating only one in five American dogs currently wears a bandanna around its neck, Democrats and Republicans reportedly reached across the aisle in a rare display of bipartisanship, working through long-held differences on acceptable colors, designs, and knotting styles to pass the landmark bill.

"I'm proud we have put politics aside and taken this decisive step toward putting our dogs in neckerchiefs and keeping them in neckerchiefs for generations to come," said Rep. Ed Whitfield (R-KY), a co-sponsor of the bill and owner of two schnauzers who has long pushed for congressional action to ensure all canines can be "absolutely precious." "While it's unfortunate our country had to wait so many years for this legislation, it does not diminish the joy we all feel today knowing that American dogs will now be more lovable than at any other point in our nation's history."

"Every single citizen—dog owners and non-dog-owners alike—will reap the benefits of this law," Whitfield continued. "It's so cute, you don't even know."

Officially known as the American Canine Collar Enhancement Act of 2011, the 214-page bill was held up in committee for days as members hammered out its finer points. Congressional staffers confirmed the bill was nearly derailed Saturday following an argument between Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD) and House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) over the permissibility of tropical-patterned neckerchiefs, a contentious exchange that led to Boehner defiantly walking out of negotiations.

Republican leaders were brought back to the bargaining table hours later, sources said, when Democrats agreed to an amendment mandating that all dogs be required to wear an American flag bandanna on Memorial Day and Veterans Day.

"I was initially hesitant to support legislation this extensive," Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said. "But when [Sen. Bob] Corker [R-TN] brought that golden retriever onto the floor with the red paisley scarf tied around its neck, I knew we needed to move swiftly and decisively."

"Aw, just look at the guy," added Schumer, holding up a photograph.

Under the language of the bill, acceptable dog-bandanna combinations would include a beagle with a plaid bandanna, a Boston terrier with a hot pink bandanna, a pug wearing a yellow bandanna fastened by a decorative pin, a dachshund with a bandanna tied around its neck like a cape, an Old English sheepdog wearing a bandanna embroidered with its name, and a pair of bulldogs sporting matching Detroit Red Wings bandannas.

According to the Congressional Record, a competing bill put forth by Rep. Diane Black (R-TN) calling for all dogs to be dressed in little doggy sweaters was immediately rejected by a unanimous chorus of nays.

Despite passing both houses with comfortable margins, the neckerchief law has been strongly condemned by its detractors, among them a coalition of novelty dog collar manufacturers that opposes any version of the legislation that does not provide tax incentives to the industry, and Sen. Scott Brown (R-MA), a noted cat lover.

"It's completely ludicrous," Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN), who voted against the bill, said on Meet The Press Sunday. "This law, if you can believe it, specifically mandates that the point of all triangularly folded neckerchiefs face directly downward along a dog's chest at all times. What is Washington thinking? Where I'm from, we know that a bandanna that's askew to one side is the most darling look of all."

While opponents have vowed to seek the legislation's repeal in court, a Zogby poll conducted Sunday found that 83 percent of Americans supported the law and that the congressional approval rating had received a notable bump from its passage.

"It's gratifying to know we have done right by our constituents," Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) said. "We all may look back on this one day as the moment when we really started to turn things around in this country."

As of press time, an estimated 800,000 dogs had been euthanized for failing to comply with the new law.

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