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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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New Blog Piece On Woody Allen To Settle Everything

NEW YORK—Amidst the ongoing debate over the iconic director’s alleged sexual abuse in 1992 of his then 7-year-old adopted daughter, numerous sources nationwide confirmed Thursday that a newly published blog post titled “What You Really Need To Know About The Woody Allen Scandal” will finally and categorically settle the matter in its entirety. “It’s important to note that Allen was never arrested or charged for a crime, but considering Dylan Farrow’s incredibly candid open letter in The New York Times and what we know of such cases, I couldn’t help but ask myself: Who can we believe here?” read an excerpt from the truly essential 1,200-word online article, which, given its unique and illuminating insights into the topic and its wealth of arguments previously unconsidered by all other blog pieces on the subject, definitively answers all open questions about the 20-year-old case and effectively ends any dispute over Woody Allen’s culpability, how Americans should feel about his work, and his eventual standing in the annals of American cinema. “I am fully aware of the failures of the U.S. justice system when it comes to sexual assault victims, but I am also aware of how delicate a situation this is and how slippery a slope the presumption of innocence or guilt can be on either side. And with that in mind, let me share with you the conclusions you should take away from the whole Woody Allen saga.” At press time, upon reading the blog piece, every single citizen in the United States reportedly felt a reassuring sense of closure on all facets of the scandal and quickly took to the blog’s comments section to express their full agreement with the article’s thesis and congratulate the author on finally bringing the truth to light.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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