adBlockCheck

Entertainment

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Blog Piece On Woody Allen To Settle Everything

NEW YORK—Amidst the ongoing debate over the iconic director’s alleged sexual abuse in 1992 of his then 7-year-old adopted daughter, numerous sources nationwide confirmed Thursday that a newly published blog post titled “What You Really Need To Know About The Woody Allen Scandal” will finally and categorically settle the matter in its entirety. “It’s important to note that Allen was never arrested or charged for a crime, but considering Dylan Farrow’s incredibly candid open letter in The New York Times and what we know of such cases, I couldn’t help but ask myself: Who can we believe here?” read an excerpt from the truly essential 1,200-word online article, which, given its unique and illuminating insights into the topic and its wealth of arguments previously unconsidered by all other blog pieces on the subject, definitively answers all open questions about the 20-year-old case and effectively ends any dispute over Woody Allen’s culpability, how Americans should feel about his work, and his eventual standing in the annals of American cinema. “I am fully aware of the failures of the U.S. justice system when it comes to sexual assault victims, but I am also aware of how delicate a situation this is and how slippery a slope the presumption of innocence or guilt can be on either side. And with that in mind, let me share with you the conclusions you should take away from the whole Woody Allen saga.” At press time, upon reading the blog piece, every single citizen in the United States reportedly felt a reassuring sense of closure on all facets of the scandal and quickly took to the blog’s comments section to express their full agreement with the article’s thesis and congratulate the author on finally bringing the truth to light.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close