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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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New Book Alleges There Was One Day When A-Rod Didn't Take Steroids

NEW YORK—Selena Roberts, author of A-Rod: The Many Lives Of Alex Rodriguez, has made a number of fresh allegations against the Yankee slugger in her new biography, most notably that on December 11, 1997, Rodriguez did not put any type of performance-enhancing substance into his body. "Everyone knows that Alex has taken steroids every day of his adult life, and anyone who says otherwise is being irresponsible or just lying to you," said Yankee manager Joe Girardi, who testified to personally watching the third baseman inject himself with an anabolic substance every day for the past year and a half. "I don't care what some journalist says—anyone who knows Alex knows he has put every conceivable steroid and hormone cocktail into his body every single day since he started high school. And probably before then. That's just the kind of guy he is." When asked directly about Roberts' book, A-Rod finished an injection into his buttocks, swallowed a handful of pills, and categorically denied every allegation.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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