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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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New Book Alleges There Was One Day When A-Rod Didn't Take Steroids

NEW YORK—Selena Roberts, author of A-Rod: The Many Lives Of Alex Rodriguez, has made a number of fresh allegations against the Yankee slugger in her new biography, most notably that on December 11, 1997, Rodriguez did not put any type of performance-enhancing substance into his body. "Everyone knows that Alex has taken steroids every day of his adult life, and anyone who says otherwise is being irresponsible or just lying to you," said Yankee manager Joe Girardi, who testified to personally watching the third baseman inject himself with an anabolic substance every day for the past year and a half. "I don't care what some journalist says—anyone who knows Alex knows he has put every conceivable steroid and hormone cocktail into his body every single day since he started high school. And probably before then. That's just the kind of guy he is." When asked directly about Roberts' book, A-Rod finished an injection into his buttocks, swallowed a handful of pills, and categorically denied every allegation.

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