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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Boyfriend Charming Pants Off Baskin-Robbins Staff

OAKWOOD, GA—After claiming he's so full from lunch he couldn't possibly eat more than a couple of sprinkles, Kevin Warner, who is on his fifth date with Stephanie Hilten, appears to be delighting the hell out of the Baskin-Robbins employees currently serving the two 17-year-olds. Warner reportedly won over the cashiers within moments of entering the store, jokingly asking whether they had any different flavors in the back, and making flattering, slightly flirtatious comments about Hilten. "Oh my God, everybody just loves him," said Hilten, who has remained arm-in-arm with her boyfriend during the entire endearing transaction. "Oh my God. I love him." Sources close to the couple said a guy like Warner is exactly what Hilten needs, especially after what her last boyfriend did to her at Applebee's.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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