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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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New Bug Spray Forces Insects To See People As Human Beings With Feelings

MIDLAND, MI—The Dow Chemical Company has developed a new bug deterrent that, unlike harsh deet-based repellents, forces insects to realize that people are fully realized individuals with feelings, hopes, and dreams, and not just a food source. "Sympathex is the culmination of a decade of research into psychoactive arthropod chemistry," Dow spokesman Darrick Unger said. "With a quick topical application, any nearby bug will begin to comprehend just how unpleasant it feels to have a small pest buzzing around in your ears and biting you all day long. After that epiphany, they'll never try to suck your blood ever again." While agreeing that inducing empathy in insects is a laudable goal, bioethicists argue that, at $49.99 per spray, Sympathex is too expensive for developing countries where malaria kills millions each year.

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