New Bug Spray Forces Insects To See People As Human Beings With Feelings

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Vol 45 Issue 50

Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object from Brian Jensen's dream Sunday night was suddenly struck by the unusually powerful smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

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The Alabama halfback may become the first Crimson Tide player ever to win the Heisman. Is he any good?
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New Bug Spray Forces Insects To See People As Human Beings With Feelings

MIDLAND, MI—The Dow Chemical Company has developed a new bug deterrent that, unlike harsh deet-based repellents, forces insects to realize that people are fully realized individuals with feelings, hopes, and dreams, and not just a food source. "Sympathex is the culmination of a decade of research into psychoactive arthropod chemistry," Dow spokesman Darrick Unger said. "With a quick topical application, any nearby bug will begin to comprehend just how unpleasant it feels to have a small pest buzzing around in your ears and biting you all day long. After that epiphany, they'll never try to suck your blood ever again." While agreeing that inducing empathy in insects is a laudable goal, bioethicists argue that, at $49.99 per spray, Sympathex is too expensive for developing countries where malaria kills millions each year.

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