New Carl's Jr. Bedtime Burger Designed To Be Eaten While Asleep

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Vol 46 Issue 49

Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.

Don Meredith

He was the first Dallas Cowboys quarterback to have a winning season and the first star ex-player on Monday Night Football, but he was still much loved. Was he any good?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...


Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

New Carl's Jr. Bedtime Burger Designed To Be Eaten While Asleep

CARPINTERIA, CA—Executives at fast food chain Carl's Jr. announced today the release of the new Bedtime Burger, a sandwich designed specifically to be consumed while fast asleep. "Just place the delicious combination of ground beef, lettuce, tomato, pepper-jack cheese, and our patented Slumber-Q sauce directly on your lower lip before turning in for the night and instinct will take over by the time you reach dreamland," Carl's Jr. spokesperson Rick Foster told reporters. "You'll love waking up with that one-of-a-kind, just-ate-a-burger feeling you can't get from our competitors. So sweet dreams—not that that will be difficult with our new 32-ounce P.M. Shakes!" Fast food giant Burger King is reportedly planning to respond to Carl's Jr.'s new line of sleep products by releasing a spicy chicken sandwich for the deceased.

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