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Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

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What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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New Chemical Weapon 'Ennui Gas' Induces Listlessness, Dissatisfaction With Life

A group of test subjects in an Afghan cave contemplate the banality of modern terror.
A group of test subjects in an Afghan cave contemplate the banality of modern terror.

WASHINGTON—Calling it the most effective tool to date in the War on Terror, the Pentagon announced Monday that it had developed a new chemical weapon called "ennui gas," a nerve agent that overwhelms its victims with sudden philosophical distress over the meaningless tedium of human life and a sinking sense that everything they have ever accomplished ultimately amounts to dust.

"When the enemy inhales the gas, he will immediately retreat to his bedroom, lock the door, stare at the ceiling, pick idly at his fingernails, and muse upon the similarities between fingernails and the fragility of life," Defense Secretary Robert Gates said. "While he broods over the futility of memory extinguished and the plaintive whisper of existence unhaunted by all but nothingness, that is when we strike."

"Given the enemy's state of mind, he will probably not even care," Gates added.

Recently disclosed Pentagon documents indicate that the gas has a dissemination radius of four to eight miles, and that neither protective masks nor a positive outlook on life can prevent infection. Symptoms include uncontrollable sighing, repeated utterances of the phrase "What's the use?" a confusion and bitterness regarding one's place in the universe, and an increased proclivity to listen to Lou Reed records.

If one's skin comes into contact with the agent, the physical effects are more severe. These include a sudden numbing of the very soul, a feeling that one is being crushed under the weight of the emptiness all around him, and mild eye irritation.

"Seeing life through the watery lens of pain and hopelessness will significantly weaken the enemy," Gates said.

More than half of those exposed to ennui gas will suffer some permanent effects, including the tendency to view their existence not as a rich tapestry woven by memory and experience, but as one transitory life's insignificant brushstroke on the canvas of eternity.

The Pentagon has reportedly been developing the ennui gas for five years, working alongside a team comprising molecular chemist Dr. Sigmund Falstaff, chemical warfare expert Dr. Adrian T. Heinzig, and Dave Eggers. Though they discovered early on that chloroethanol mixed with nitric acid produces an intense disinterest in action, society, and the world in general, it took three years to re-create the indescribable longing condemned to remain unsatisfied. This vague sense of existential angst was finally produced by synthesizing potassium sulfide with phosphorus trichloronate.

According to the Pentagon, lower-grade ennui gas was tested as a crowd-dispersal agent in Islamabad, Pakistan last year. Police reported that within five minutes of releasing the toxin, the rioters abandoned their protest and began penning lamenting odes to various species of bird.

"I am nothing," said Sayid Al Nazer, one of those who was exposed to the gas. "We are nothing."

Though critics allege that the gas violates the 1997 Chemical Weapons Convention treaty, the U.S. claims the substance is legal because it is not physically harmful. The military assured Amnesty International and other human-rights groups that ennui gas causes no pain, save for the pain of realizing that one has wasted his life.

As proof, Pentagon representative Byron Christie voluntarily inhaled a small amount of ennui gas at a private press conference last week.

"Because ennui gas is a nonpersistent substance, it is highly probable that its victims will someday feel whole again," said Christie, suddenly furrowing his brow and gripping his temples. "Then again, no one is truly whole, are they? We are all just pieces of flesh and bone masquerading as life, and the world will go on without me, my absence unnoticed, death as futile as life. Pain hath no sting, and pleasure's wreath no flower."

Christie then lay down behind the podium and told members of the press to leave, repeatedly stating that there is no point to it all.

Pentagon officials still refuse to comment on rumors that they are close to completing an experimental mutagen that would transform its victims' DNA into that of television star Kelsey Grammer.

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