New Children's Hospital Filled To Capacity

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Vol 33 Issue 12

Only Two Golden Tickets Remain

PHOENIX—A third Wonka Golden Ticket was discovered Monday by American used-car heiress Violet Beauregard, reducing the number of undiscovered tickets to two. "It is imperative that I obtain a Wonka ticket," Pittsburgh steel magnate Alfred Van Crowley said. "My billions of dollars and thousands of loyal employees are of no comfort to me if I cannot tour the fantastic and mysterious Wonka factory and, most importantly, claim for myself a lifetime supply of chocolate, the most important substance in the universe." All other citizens of Earth have responded similarly, depleting supermarkets and sweetshops of crates of Wonka bars the moment they arrive. Analysts have noted with alarm that, thus far, no dear, good-hearted children have located tickets, with the first three going to nasty, wicked children.

Nine-Hundred-Pound Man Left To Die

MACON, GA—James Stotts, a 900-pound man whose morbid obesity has made him dependent upon family, friends and neighbors for most of his adult life, was officially left to die Monday. Too large to get out of bed or provide for himself in any way, Stotts, 37, had relied on aid from others for survival since first topping the 600-pound mark in 1986. "He can't even go to the bathroom by himself," said Macon councilman Gus Friar, co-sponsor of the Stotts-abandonment referendum, which passed by a wide majority. "I'll be damned if I know what he's going to do now. I guess he'll die, probably." Macon mayor Sandra Tomlinson was more conciliatory in her remarks. "It is sad and tragic that, in our society, a fellow human being can deteriorate into such a pitiable state. I hope he comes up with some way to help himself, although I can't imagine how."

Time Magazine Just Six Months From Big Cocktail-Nation-Craze Story

NEW YORK—Zeitgeist-monitoring sources reported Monday that Time magazine is a mere six months from a major cover story on the pop-cultural phenomenon known as "Cocktail Nation"—the retro-lounge revival of the early-'60s swinging bachelor-pad lifestyle that rose to popularity in the early '90s. "It is important that Time keep its readers abreast of cutting-edge developments such as Cocktail Nation," said Time editor-in-chief Ted Schildkraut. "We were also the first to bring readers the ultra-hip 'Riot-Grrrrl' movement of late '80s, which we featured in a big, timely, December 1996 piece." Other popular-trend stories that Time plans to run in the future: "Cigar Chic," in May 1999; "Everybody's Moving To Seattle," in 2001; and "Rap: The Beat Of The Street," in late 2006.

Congress Passes Freedom From Information Act

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the unregulated flow of information "the single greatest threat to the emotional comfort and well-being of the American people," Congress passed the long-discussed Freedom From Information Act Monday.

Horoscope for the week of April 1, 1998

You will go down in crime lore after sweeping through Vermont, New Hampshire and Massachusetts in a single afternoon, completing the most efficient tri-state killing spree in history.

The Boy Scout Crackdown

In a controversial decision, the California Supreme Court recently upheld the Boy Scouts Of America's right to ban homosexuals from its ranks, as either scouts or Scoutmasters. What do you think?
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

New Children's Hospital Filled To Capacity

ATLANTA—When Andrew Nash decided to abandon a successful career in land development to pursue his lifelong dream of owning his own children's hospital, he hoped the venture would be successful.

Andrew Nash is thrilled with the popularity of his new children's hospital, which is "packing 'em in."

But he never dreamed it would be this successful.

Open just two weeks, Nash Children's Hospital in downtown Atlanta is already proving to be a big hit, its 635 beds fully occupied and its emergency room boasting waits of up to seven hours.

"I was hoping this place would do well, but this is beyond what I could have possibly imagined," said Nash, surveying the bustle in the hospital's nephrology ward. "Just look at this—rows upon rows of kids hooked up to my dialysis machines. It's absolutely phenomenal."

"It's just so exciting," Nash said. "Every day I come in here, and there's more and more kids. We've barely got enough IV drips for all of them."

Business only got better yesterday, when an 18-wheeler slammed into a school bus at a busy Atlanta intersection. In all, 31 children had to be hospitalized with injuries ranging from broken clavicles to massive brain contusions.

"As soon as I heard about that bus crash, I called up my wife, and we went out to dinner to celebrate," Nash said. "It's still hard to believe how well things are going."

So popular is the new hospital, patients are flocking to it from all over the Southeast. Last Friday, an eight-year-old boy from Shreveport, LA, checked in for a bone-marrow transplant, a $153,000 procedure.

"That's a lot of money to spend," Nash said, "but people really seem to love this place. I just hope they keep coming back."

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