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Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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New Comic Features Aquaman As 45-Year-Old Single Father To Troubled Flounder

NEW YORK—In what many are calling the publisher's most dramatic relaunch to date, DC Comics released on Wednesday the first issue of a new Aquaman series that depicts the underwater superhero as a 45-year-old single father struggling to raise a troubled flounder. "Written by acclaimed writer Scott Snyder, this new series really captures the depths of Aquaman's character as he agonizes over his flounder wife abandoning the family and then learns that being primary caregiver to a juvenile-delinquent fish is the most difficult challenge in all the seven seas," said DC comics editor-in-chief Bob Harras, adding that the middle-aged Aquaman and his flounder son share a cramped apartment in a rough area of Atlantis. "Aquaman, whose super strength and powers have faded with age, must summon all his telepathic abilities to get through to the violent and aggressive young flounder, who is expelled from school after attacking an ornate cowfish." Harras confirmed that an upcoming storyline would involve Aquaman learning his troubled son was actually fathered by a young Black Manta.

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