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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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New Comic Features Aquaman As 45-Year-Old Single Father To Troubled Flounder

NEW YORK—In what many are calling the publisher's most dramatic relaunch to date, DC Comics released on Wednesday the first issue of a new Aquaman series that depicts the underwater superhero as a 45-year-old single father struggling to raise a troubled flounder. "Written by acclaimed writer Scott Snyder, this new series really captures the depths of Aquaman's character as he agonizes over his flounder wife abandoning the family and then learns that being primary caregiver to a juvenile-delinquent fish is the most difficult challenge in all the seven seas," said DC comics editor-in-chief Bob Harras, adding that the middle-aged Aquaman and his flounder son share a cramped apartment in a rough area of Atlantis. "Aquaman, whose super strength and powers have faded with age, must summon all his telepathic abilities to get through to the violent and aggressive young flounder, who is expelled from school after attacking an ornate cowfish." Harras confirmed that an upcoming storyline would involve Aquaman learning his troubled son was actually fathered by a young Black Manta.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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