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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New Commercial Posits Existence Of Jaguars Fans

JACKSONVILLE, FL—In spite of a lack of real-world evidence supporting the presumption, a new Nike commercial that debuted on network television Friday featured actors dressed in Jacksonville Jaguars apparel and posited that fans of the AFC team exist. "It's an interesting theory, but you'd have to be pretty gullible to believe that large numbers of people would cheer on the Jaguars," said Rossford, OH resident Paul Giorgio, who saw the commercial during the otherwise logical Lions-Ravens preseason matchup. "If Jacksonville fans did exist, they probably would hold up those 'GO JAGS' signs and wear turquoise face paint. But when the camera pulls back to reveal a whole stadium of people like that in an otherwise unknown town in northern Florida, the premise really falls apart." A Nike spokesperson told reporters the company had yet to sell a single Jaguars jersey.

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