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New Commercial Posits Existence Of Jaguars Fans

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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New Commercial Posits Existence Of Jaguars Fans

JACKSONVILLE, FL—In spite of a lack of real-world evidence supporting the presumption, a new Nike commercial that debuted on network television Friday featured actors dressed in Jacksonville Jaguars apparel and posited that fans of the AFC team exist. "It's an interesting theory, but you'd have to be pretty gullible to believe that large numbers of people would cheer on the Jaguars," said Rossford, OH resident Paul Giorgio, who saw the commercial during the otherwise logical Lions-Ravens preseason matchup. "If Jacksonville fans did exist, they probably would hold up those 'GO JAGS' signs and wear turquoise face paint. But when the camera pulls back to reveal a whole stadium of people like that in an otherwise unknown town in northern Florida, the premise really falls apart." A Nike spokesperson told reporters the company had yet to sell a single Jaguars jersey.

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