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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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New Congressional Power Rankings Oversight Committee Marks Federalization Of Power Rankings

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Congress today announced the formation of the National Power Rankings and Team-Positioning Joint Oversight Committee, a group that will monitor and regulate power rankings across all sporting leagues as part of the largest-ever government takeover of the nation's sports-team rankings systems. "Tonight, Americans can sleep a little easier knowing that sports journalists can no longer rank organizations based on their own arbitrary, often self-serving views," said committee chair Rep. Ben Cardin (D-MD), who recognized the need for a massive government intervention when his hometown Orioles were placed as high as 19 on some lists and as low as 26 on others. "Regulation is needed to ensure the power of these sporting entities is ranked in a fair, unbiased, consistent manner. To those who say that the ranking and blurbing of your Hollingers and your Morosis and your Zimmermans needs no government oversight, I ask you: The Angels at No. 2? Are you serious?" Cardin also noted that Congress considered further federalization of sports journalism to be necessary for the good of the nation, promising the Rick Reilly Abolishment Act would be on the president's desk by June.

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