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New Congressional Power Rankings Oversight Committee Marks Federalization Of Power Rankings

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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New Congressional Power Rankings Oversight Committee Marks Federalization Of Power Rankings

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Congress today announced the formation of the National Power Rankings and Team-Positioning Joint Oversight Committee, a group that will monitor and regulate power rankings across all sporting leagues as part of the largest-ever government takeover of the nation's sports-team rankings systems. "Tonight, Americans can sleep a little easier knowing that sports journalists can no longer rank organizations based on their own arbitrary, often self-serving views," said committee chair Rep. Ben Cardin (D-MD), who recognized the need for a massive government intervention when his hometown Orioles were placed as high as 19 on some lists and as low as 26 on others. "Regulation is needed to ensure the power of these sporting entities is ranked in a fair, unbiased, consistent manner. To those who say that the ranking and blurbing of your Hollingers and your Morosis and your Zimmermans needs no government oversight, I ask you: The Angels at No. 2? Are you serious?" Cardin also noted that Congress considered further federalization of sports journalism to be necessary for the good of the nation, promising the Rick Reilly Abolishment Act would be on the president's desk by June.

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