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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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New Congressional Power Rankings Oversight Committee Marks Federalization Of Power Rankings

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Congress today announced the formation of the National Power Rankings and Team-Positioning Joint Oversight Committee, a group that will monitor and regulate power rankings across all sporting leagues as part of the largest-ever government takeover of the nation's sports-team rankings systems. "Tonight, Americans can sleep a little easier knowing that sports journalists can no longer rank organizations based on their own arbitrary, often self-serving views," said committee chair Rep. Ben Cardin (D-MD), who recognized the need for a massive government intervention when his hometown Orioles were placed as high as 19 on some lists and as low as 26 on others. "Regulation is needed to ensure the power of these sporting entities is ranked in a fair, unbiased, consistent manner. To those who say that the ranking and blurbing of your Hollingers and your Morosis and your Zimmermans needs no government oversight, I ask you: The Angels at No. 2? Are you serious?" Cardin also noted that Congress considered further federalization of sports journalism to be necessary for the good of the nation, promising the Rick Reilly Abolishment Act would be on the president's desk by June.

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