New Congressional Power Rankings Oversight Committee Marks Federalization Of Power Rankings

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Vol 46 Issue 14

MLB Opening Day Marred By Strikeouts

NEW YORK—Players, coaches, fans, and Commissioner Bud Selig expressed concern for the state of professional baseball Monday after MLB's highly anticipated Opening Day was "completely ruined" by a rash of strikeouts that began during the afternoon games and didn't end until the day was over.

Presidential First Pitches

The president throwing out the ceremonial first pitch is as revered a tradition as anything in America. We look at some of the most memorable.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

New Congressional Power Rankings Oversight Committee Marks Federalization Of Power Rankings

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Congress today announced the formation of the National Power Rankings and Team-Positioning Joint Oversight Committee, a group that will monitor and regulate power rankings across all sporting leagues as part of the largest-ever government takeover of the nation's sports-team rankings systems. "Tonight, Americans can sleep a little easier knowing that sports journalists can no longer rank organizations based on their own arbitrary, often self-serving views," said committee chair Rep. Ben Cardin (D-MD), who recognized the need for a massive government intervention when his hometown Orioles were placed as high as 19 on some lists and as low as 26 on others. "Regulation is needed to ensure the power of these sporting entities is ranked in a fair, unbiased, consistent manner. To those who say that the ranking and blurbing of your Hollingers and your Morosis and your Zimmermans needs no government oversight, I ask you: The Angels at No. 2? Are you serious?" Cardin also noted that Congress considered further federalization of sports journalism to be necessary for the good of the nation, promising the Rick Reilly Abolishment Act would be on the president's desk by June.

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