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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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New Constitution Of The United States Ratified

A new Constitution of the United States was ratified today, less than a week after the nation discovered the previous Constitution had expired.

The new constitution, which will henceforth serve as our country's guiding document, was written in just under five hours by a group of former congressmen with the help of a handful of prominent business leaders who stepped forward mid-crisis to offer their assistance. Since there was no official rule of law at the time of the writing, the group granted themselves the power to ratify the new U.S. Constitution immediately after penning it.

The new Constitution, officially called "AT&T Presents General Electric's Constitution Of The United States Of America" is over 500 pages long and, as stipulated in New Article 9, the full text of the constitution shall never be made public. However, the first page of the document can be seen after the jump.

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