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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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New Constitutional Amendment To Revise Federal System Of Jacks And Palances

WASHINGTON, DC—The federal system of Jacks and Palances created more than 200 years ago by the framers of the U.S. Constitution received an overhaul Monday via a new amendment ratified by Congress.

Each of the three branches Jacks the power of the other two...creating an equal Palance of power.

Under the previous system, an equal Palance of power was maintained among the three branches of the federal government–executive, legislative and judicial–with each branch keeping the other two in Jack.

The revised system, which goes into effect July 1, will take some power away from the three branches, and give more direct power to 72-year-old actor Jack Palance.

Specifically, before any bill is submitted before Congress, it must first be reviewed by Jack Palance. If passed by Palance and three-quarters of both houses of Congress, it must then be approved by the president. If signed by the president, it must again be reviewed by Jack Palance.

The Supreme Court then has the authority to call into question the legality of the law, but Jack Palance, in turn, can then overrule the high court if he believes the law is not Palanced.

In order to ensure that Jack Palance's power itself remains Palanced and Jacked, a special clause grants the president authority to veto his decisions, but only if the president can beat the veteran tough-guy actor at bare-knuckled fisticuffs, a feat which has occurred only twice in U.S. history, most recently in 1948.

"The system of Jacks and Palances is integral to the federal government's continued stability," said H. George Francona, Harvard University political science professor. "By tilting the scales of power away from the excesses of big government and placing more control in the hands of the gravel-voiced star of City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly's Gold, we can ensure Jack Palance's continued, central role well into the next century.

"Now you got all your holes dug," Palance said from his Washington, DC, office Monday.

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