New Constitutional Amendment To Revise Federal System Of Jacks And Palances

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 20

Dreamworks SKG Signs J&H Productions To Six-Year Deal

CINCINNATI—Steven Spielberg of Dreamworks SKG confirmed the industry rumor Monday that Cincinnati-based J&H Productions International has been signed to a landmark six-year contract. Spielberg said that J&H president Mr. H "will be executive-producing all types of shows in the stadiums and the coliseums, from city to city, which will be filmed for nationwide release. I hope you will be going to see these movies that Dreamworks SKG will be signing under, as far as J&H Productions and the films that he will make, pertaining to the shows." Dreamworks and J&H will also be working closely with the label industry, as far as getting all the major stars together and putting them to work with the other stars in other agencies under the Cavalcade Of Stars. "Our shows will be the dynamic shows ever being gave," Spielberg said.

Tammys Of The World Demand To Be Taken Seriously

UNITED NATIONS—In a historic summit Tuesday, the world's 178,230 Tammys convened to demand that they be treated with the same respect afforded the world's approximately 5.1 billion non-Tammys. "Tammy discrimination has been ignored for too long, and it's high time we took action," said summit organizer Tammy Mugler, 24, an assistant manager at an Atlanta-area Orange Julius. "Do you realize that in the entire history of the U.S., no Tammy has ever been elected to federal office?" The world's Heidis expressed support for the summit.

Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.

Microsoft Under Fire

Last week, the Justice Department and 20 states filed an antitrust suit against Microsoft, accusing the software giant of monopolistic business practices, such as its inclusion of Internet Explorer on Windows 98. What do you think?

Your Horoscope

Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you know that, in truth, it is a solar panel for a sex machine.

Buggy For Let!

For sale! A secondhand buggy in fine and sturdy condition. Previous owner elderly invalid plutocrat. Pony not included. Reasonable terms. Kindly direct any and all inquiries to the Zweibel Estate.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Holiday

New Constitutional Amendment To Revise Federal System Of Jacks And Palances

WASHINGTON, DC—The federal system of Jacks and Palances created more than 200 years ago by the framers of the U.S. Constitution received an overhaul Monday via a new amendment ratified by Congress.

Each of the three branches Jacks the power of the other two...creating an equal Palance of power.

Under the previous system, an equal Palance of power was maintained among the three branches of the federal government–executive, legislative and judicial–with each branch keeping the other two in Jack.

The revised system, which goes into effect July 1, will take some power away from the three branches, and give more direct power to 72-year-old actor Jack Palance.

Specifically, before any bill is submitted before Congress, it must first be reviewed by Jack Palance. If passed by Palance and three-quarters of both houses of Congress, it must then be approved by the president. If signed by the president, it must again be reviewed by Jack Palance.

The Supreme Court then has the authority to call into question the legality of the law, but Jack Palance, in turn, can then overrule the high court if he believes the law is not Palanced.

In order to ensure that Jack Palance's power itself remains Palanced and Jacked, a special clause grants the president authority to veto his decisions, but only if the president can beat the veteran tough-guy actor at bare-knuckled fisticuffs, a feat which has occurred only twice in U.S. history, most recently in 1948.

"The system of Jacks and Palances is integral to the federal government's continued stability," said H. George Francona, Harvard University political science professor. "By tilting the scales of power away from the excesses of big government and placing more control in the hands of the gravel-voiced star of City Slickers 2: The Legend Of Curly's Gold, we can ensure Jack Palance's continued, central role well into the next century.

"Now you got all your holes dug," Palance said from his Washington, DC, office Monday.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More