adBlockCheck

New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease Crushing Pain Of Modern Life

Top Headlines

Recent News

Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease Crushing Pain Of Modern Life

EAST HANOVER, NJ—The dull, all-consuming ache of late 20th century life will be slightly alleviated next week when America's supermarkets receive their first shipments of Nabisco's new "T.C. McCrispee's" line of snack crackers.

A promotional shot for Nabisco's new snack cracker, which should make less agonizing the grotesque, meaningless charade that is modern life.

Available in Regular, Garden Ranch and Zesty Cheddar flavors, the new crackers will flood consumers' bodies with salt, fat and starch, momentarily producing a pleasing sensation of warmth and nourishment, and detaching them from their otherwise constant and crushing sense of profound grief.

T.C. McCrispee's are widely expected to be Nabisco's most anguish-relieving snack-food product since the 1983 introduction of Double Stuf Oreos.

"We at the Nabisco Corporation are aware of the hideously bleak emptiness of modern life," Nabisco director of corporate communications Mel Krijak said. "That's why we're proud to introduce T.C. McCrispee's as the antidote you've been reaching out for. Our tasty new snack cracker will, if only for a few lovely moments, significantly lessen the aching, gnawing angst that haunts your very soul."

The history of life on earth, according to a Nabisco press release for the new crackers, can be summed up as billions of years of darkness, uncertainty and horror. Further, it says, the life of each individual organism on the planet is "no more than a meaningless blip on the cosmic timeline, riddled with almost unbearable suffering, under the unseeing eye of a blind idiot god."

"Test subjects given samples of T.C. McCrispee's described them as 'pleasingly flavorful,'" Krijak said. "And the satisfying crunch distracted them from the parade of tears that is life."

According to T.C. McCrispee's product-development director Wayne Innis, the new cracker was specially engineered to match the tastes and habits of their target market—the approximately 220 million members of the American lower and middle class. Nabisco market research indicated that the typical member of this demographic is a hollow human shell, devoid of hope, ambition and any chance of improving his or her station in life.

The new cracker, Innis asserted, further compensates for the consumer's vast, howling emptiness by giving him or her the option of adding toppings to the cracker's surface, such as aerosolized cheese or sausage bits. "By eating T.C. McCrispee's in such a manner," he said, "consumers will be deluded into thinking they have taken actual steps to improve their lives, or—in the rare case of a vegetable topping—their health."

"We're selling more than a cracker here," Krijak said. "We're selling the salty, unctuous illusion of happiness."

Consumers are eager to sample the new crackers. "I am trapped in an unending loop," Harwich, MA, telemarketer Ron Washburn said. "Perhaps when T.C. McCrispee's arrive at my neighborhood ShopKo supermarket, I will be able to confront the world with more than a deadened, glassy stare."

Said Roanoke, VA, clergyman Rev. James Forrest: "I live a shadow life, each day going through the motions of maintaining a church, preparing sermons I no longer believe in, and counseling parishioner after identical parishioner. Perhaps this new cracker can give me a reason to go on, a source of strength, if you will."

TV ads for the new crackers begin airing later this week. An animated cracker with a straw hat and cane will leap off the box and extol the virtues of the product in song form, ending on the slogan, "It's The Crispety, Crunchety Respite Of The Doomed."

Though an eight-ounce box of T.C. McCrispee's will contain approximately 12 servings, Nabisco expects most consumers, gripped by unending hopelessness and despair, will eat the entire box in one sitting.

"To really gain the full impact of T.C. McCrispee's great snackin' taste, it is best to gorge on multiple servings while staring glassy-eyed at a Coach rerun," Krijak said. "No, this will not rescue you from the throbbing, meaningless void that is modern American life. But here at Nabisco, we are confident that for millions of Americans it will seem, if only for a few seconds, as if it has."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close