New Dating Site Matches Users With Partners They Deserve

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DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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New Dating Site Matches Users With Partners They Deserve

SAN MATEO, CA—Silicon Valley insiders are abuzz over a new dating site,, which offers users the chance to be paired with the romantic partner they have coming to them. "It takes less than five minutes to fill out our online personality questionnaire and find that special someone you absolutely deserve given the kind of life you've lived," chief creative officer Douglas Spivey said Thursday. "'s unique algorithm sees through the face you show to the world each day, identifies your true self, and matches your profile with that of a partner every bit as awful as you are. For example, we've already helped several attention-starved narcissists meet up with cold-hearted monsters who withhold affection." Spivey added that he himself had successfully used the service to meet and marry the compulsive cheater whom he, as a chronic workaholic, was entitled to.