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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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New Dating Site Matches Users With Partners They Deserve

SAN MATEO, CA—Silicon Valley insiders are abuzz over a new dating site, JustMatch.com, which offers users the chance to be paired with the romantic partner they have coming to them. "It takes less than five minutes to fill out our online personality questionnaire and find that special someone you absolutely deserve given the kind of life you've lived," chief creative officer Douglas Spivey said Thursday. "JustMatch.com's unique algorithm sees through the face you show to the world each day, identifies your true self, and matches your profile with that of a partner every bit as awful as you are. For example, we've already helped several attention-starved narcissists meet up with cold-hearted monsters who withhold affection." Spivey added that he himself had successfully used the service to meet and marry the compulsive cheater whom he, as a chronic workaholic, was entitled to.

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