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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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New Dating Site Matches Users With Partners They Deserve

SAN MATEO, CA—Silicon Valley insiders are abuzz over a new dating site, JustMatch.com, which offers users the chance to be paired with the romantic partner they have coming to them. "It takes less than five minutes to fill out our online personality questionnaire and find that special someone you absolutely deserve given the kind of life you've lived," chief creative officer Douglas Spivey said Thursday. "JustMatch.com's unique algorithm sees through the face you show to the world each day, identifies your true self, and matches your profile with that of a partner every bit as awful as you are. For example, we've already helped several attention-starved narcissists meet up with cold-hearted monsters who withhold affection." Spivey added that he himself had successfully used the service to meet and marry the compulsive cheater whom he, as a chronic workaholic, was entitled to.

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